


The More I See You

by elless



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-27 00:00:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/971836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elless/pseuds/elless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared and Jensen have pretty good lives. They have the show, they have good friends, and they have each other. Their relationship is maybe a little unorthodox, but they’re both perfectly happy with their friends-with-benefits agreement. After an accident leaves Jared seriously injured, he needs Jensen more than ever, and it forces them both to reevaluate some things in their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The More I See You

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted in August 2008.

There’s a dull roar coming from somewhere. That’s the first thing Jensen notices. The second is the tinkling of glass shards falling onto him from the broken side window. He thinks he might’ve hit his head on the window when the other car hit them, but everything’s a bit hazy, blurry around the edges from disorientation and pain. He slowly rolls his head to the side, fighting down a wave of dizziness and the urge to vomit, and feels blood slide down his forehead toward his eye. He slowly takes inventory of his injuries. Nothing seems broken, but everything hurts, this general ache that makes moving and thinking straight difficult. Broken glass covers him, sticking in the folds of his tattered clothes, and the dashboard is decidedly closer than it should be, the twisted plastic almost brushing his knees. The roaring gets louder, reminds him of sitting around a campfire with marshmallows and hotdogs at summer camp. It takes him a moment to put it together, and then he panics. 

Fire. Shit, what if the car’s on fire?

Jensen sniffs, doesn’t smell gas or see the lick of flames on the hood of the car. Once he calms down somewhat, he realizes the noise is just the blood rushing in his ears. He turns toward the driver’s side, ignoring the pull of muscles in his neck, and finds Jared slumped unconscious over the steering wheel, bleeding profusely from a large cut near his hairline. He looks worse than Jensen feels, has tiny cuts and scrapes everywhere, bruises already forming on his cheek and neck. He’s pale beneath his wounds, and not just from the moonlight filtering in.

“Jared.” His voice sounds shattered, and his throat protests the abuse, but he works through it. “Jared. Come on, man, wake up. Jared! Answer me, please. Wake up, Jay. Jared!” Nothing. He doesn’t even twitch.

He rotates back to look out the gaping hole where the window used to be and sees only darkness and the stark outlines of trees. There’s no way to tell how long it’s been since the accident, but Jensen guesses it’s been awhile. There’s still no one around, no help, no police or EMTs. Take the back roads, avoid traffic he’d told Jared. Stupid. Back roads meant no houses nearby, avoiding traffic meant no cars passing to see them. It hurts, but Jensen unbuckles his seatbelt and digs his cell phone out of his right front pocket. He flips it open gratefully and sighs happily when he actually has a signal. The battery’s near dead, and he prays it lasts long enough. He quickly tells the woman that answers what happened.

“And where are you, sir?” she asks.

“I’m not sure. Somewhere on Lakehurst. Closer to Rose than Richmond, I think.” It still hurts to talk. Hell, everything still hurts.

“Are you alone?”

“No, with a friend. He was driving.” He glances at Jared. He hasn’t moved. “He’s unconscious, has a bad head wound.”

“Can you feel his pulse?”

Jensen switches the phone to his other ear and reaches out a shaky hand to find the artery in Jared’s neck. “It feels…slow,” he says a minute later, wiping the blood on his hand on his torn and dirty jeans. Jared’s blood. Another wave of nausea rolls over him, only partly from his injuries. “That’s not good, is it?”

“Sir, you need to stay calm. There’s an ambulance on the way. They’ll take care of you both.”

He nods, then remembers she can’t see him through the phone. “All right. Thanks.” His throat feels scraped raw from talking, and he hurts, hurts so much.

He hears the wail of a siren, and he’s suddenly surrounded by noise. Doors slamming. People talking to him, asking him questions, yelling instructions at each other. The snap of latex gloves and the tear of bandages and medicinal swabs. Jensen loses track of it all. There are too many people crowded into the car, hovering over him and cleaning the worst of his cuts. They ease Jared into a neck brace and babble meaningless medical jargon at each other. Jared is so limp and pale, sagging lifelessly as the EMTs work on him. Jensen wants to scream, wants to bat all the hands away from him and tell them to help Jared instead, wants them to fix him, no matter how childish and stupid that is. Because amidst all the cacophony, one thing becomes clear- Jared’s injuries are a lot worse than Jensen feared.

Be okay, be okay. Please, be okay. Don’t do this to me, Jay. You have to be all right.

@@@

Jensen rides in the ambulance with Jared to the hospital, but a stern-looking nurse blocks him from going into the trauma room. He lacks the energy to produce his charming smile, but he argues tiredly for a minute before giving up. They want to examine him more thoroughly, so he grudgingly suffers through x-rays and stitches, lots of stitches. His clothes are shredded and splattered with blood. He changes into the scrubs they give him, then inquires after Jared. Not surprisingly, no one will tell him anything. He should call his parents and the Padaleckis anyway, as much as he dreads it, since they clearly won’t let him anywhere near Jared right now. Best friend and co-star hold little weight around here, and he regrets never setting up the living will or power of attorney papers or whatever that Jared suggested a couple years ago. It’d allow them to speak for each other in emergencies like this, since their families are so far away and they don’t really have anyone else in Vancouver, but he never pursued it. It never mattered before.

His cell phone is dead, of course. He sighs and glances around. “Is there a phone I can use?” he asks at the front desk.

A nurse looks up, sympathy in her squinty eyes, and smiles at him. “Of course. You can use the family waiting room, if you want privacy.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

She shows him to a tiny room with a couple dark blue couches and a small TV. Heavy curtains screen the room from curious passersby. Jensen smiles in thanks and shuts the door after her, sinking stiffly onto one of the couches. His mom picks up on the third ring and says hello in her normal happy voice. Jensen hates to ruin her good mood. After he tells her about the accident, it takes him 15 minutes to convince her to stay home and not immediately jump on a plane to Vancouver.

“I’m fine, Mama, just a little shaken and banged up. But Jared, he’s-” Jensen swallows and rubs his eyes, drops his chin to his chest. “They won’t tell me anything, Mama, just because I’m not a relative. He could be dying or something, and I’d never know.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, sweetie.”

“What if he’s not?” His voice cracks on the last word, and he suddenly wishes his mom were there, that he could crawl into her lap like a little boy and cry on her shoulder. He can’t handle this, not alone, not if Jared is seriously hurt.

“Jensen. Sweetie, you can’t think like that. I’m sure he’s all right.”

“Mama, you weren’t there. That car practically took the front of Jared’s SUV off.” And then kept on going. A hit and run. Christ. “And I may not have understood a lot of what people were saying, but I caught internal bleeding and possible coma and nothing that sounds like a good thing.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “He’s my best friend.” Jared’s so much more than that, but it’s nothing he wants to explain to his mom, nothing he can really explain to himself. “I can’t lose him, Mama.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she says, and this time he doesn’t argue.

He gets a crappy cup of coffee from the cafeteria, not so much because he’s thirsty, but he hopes it’ll soothe his sore throat, maybe calm his nerves a bit. It doesn’t. He tries, futilely, to get information on Jared, before heading back to the family waiting room. He knows he’s just putting off talking to Jared’s parents, but it still doesn’t make him rush to the phone. He half dials three times, finally lets it go through, then sits there and listens while Sharon sobs in his ear. Gerry eventually comes on the line, and Jensen has to explain everything again. He’s only told three people so far, and it’s already getting harder each time. Gerry promises to be there on the next flight and hangs up, and Jensen just…loses it. He held it together through adrenaline and worry and focusing on telling their parents and sheer will, and he just can’t anymore.

Jensen’s infinitely grateful for the private room as he collapses back onto the couch, shoulders shaking, whole body shaking with his crying. He could’ve died tonight, and it was luck that he walked away with nothing but a few surface injuries while Jared… 

Oh, Christ.

Eventually, exhaustion wins out, and he curls up on the too-short couch, wearing his borrowed scrubs and wishing he could shut out all his thoughts.

@@@

A nurse shakes him awake two hours later. He blinks up at her and the cop hovering behind her shoulder. He sits up and rubs the graininess from his eyes, shaking his head to clear out the mess of his dreams- nightmares of the accident, what really happened and what could’ve happened.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ackles, but I need to get your statement about the accident,” the cop apologizes.

“Yeah, sure,” Jensen replies, staring at his boots and clasping his hands between his knees.

The nurse backs out of the door, smiling, and the cop settles beside him, notebook out and pen poised above the paper.

So, once more Jensen explains everything, in great detail at the officer’s urging, but this time he does it with tears in his eyes that he just can’t hold back.

“Thank you, Mr. Ackles. I know how difficult this is,” the officer says. He has kind blue eyes, and Jensen believes he does actually know what it’s like. “I was hoping to talk to Mr. Padalecki, but he’s still in surgery.”

Jensen sits up straighter as he stomach flips over. “Jared’s in surgery?”

The cop purses his lips, hesitating.

“Please? They won’t tell me anything.”

“I’m sorry, son.” He pats Jensen’s knee and smiles softly. “If I had more to tell you, I would. But that’s all I know.”

“Thank you anyway.”

“You provided some good information. I assure you, we’ll do everything we can to catch whoever did this.” It’s probably just an empty platitude, something he says to everyone, but it still helps.

Nodding, Jensen watches as the officer caps his pen and puts away his notebook. After another reassuring smile, he leaves. Jensen lies back down, because he doesn’t know what else to do. The couch is too short and too lumpy, the curtains don’t block out all the light, and his head hurts, this dull thumping behind his eyes that won’t go away. He maybe falls asleep again. He’s not sure if the noise of the hospital is in his dreams or not. He covers his ears with his hands to lessen it anyway. The next time he opens his eyes, it’s to the most profoundly sad look on Sharon Padalecki’s face.

“Oh, nonononononono. He’s not. He’s not. He can’t be. He can’t be,” Jensen insists, struggling against the thick cushions to sit up. He sounds slightly hysterical, he’s perfectly aware of that, but he doesn’t care. “Nonononononono. No!”

“Jensen, honey, calm down,” Sharon murmurs, reaching out to hold his hands, but he knocks hers away. 

“No! He can’t be. He can’t be. He can’t be.” He refuses to believe it. He’d know somehow, wouldn’t he? It doesn’t feel like he’s gone, so he can’t be. “He can’t be.”

“Jensen! Stop. Stop. He’s in the ICU.”

Jensen deflates as her words finally penetrate, shoulders sagging. “He’s- he’s alive?”

“Yes,” she says firmly. “You didn’t know?”

“They wouldn’t say anything. I’m not a relative.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. We didn’t realize.”

Jensen shakes his head and gives her a tremulous smile. “Is he okay?” He’s not an idiot, he knows the ICU isn’t a good thing. But it’s better than the alternative.

“He made it through surgery, which is good. He had some internal bleeding from the seatbelt, and his airbag didn’t deploy, so he suffered a pretty serious head injury when he hit the steering wheel. He’ll be in the ICU for awhile. Gerry’s up there with him right now.”

He sucks in a shuddering breath and drops his head. Why did Jared get the worst of it, and he didn’t even have a fucking limp? “God.”

“I won’t lie, Jensen, I’m scared for him. But you know Jared. He’s stubborn and he loves life and he’s not gonna give up without one hell of a fight.”

“Yeah.” He wipes at his eyes and blows out a breath.

Cupping his face, Sharon brushes a finger over a cut on his cheek. “Are you all right?”

He nods, tries to smile, but based on the concerned look Sharon sends him, he’s probably not successful. “I’m fine, just a few cuts and stuff. Honestly.”

“You look exhausted, honey. Have you slept or eaten?”

Jensen shrugs noncommittally. “I’ll eat later. Can I go see Jared?”

“Of course! I’ll put you on the visitor’s list right away so you can see him whenever you want.”

“Thanks.”

“Come on, I’ll take you up now.”

She stops him at the door and envelops him in a big hug. Padaleckis always give the best hugs, but Sharon’s not the one he wants right now.

@@@

The ICU is quiet, hushed, and Jensen doesn’t think it’s because of the late hour. It smells like medicine, more so than it did downstairs. It turns his stomach, reminding him of the time his grandma was in the hospital. He was only eight, and everything scared him, the whole atmosphere of the place scared him, and she died not long after he visited. He hasn’t liked hospitals since, despite the desire to go into sports medicine before he switched to acting. But this, walking down the long, dimly lit hallway toward his best friend’s room, this hurts more than anything else ever has.

Sharon grows quieter the farther they go. Jensen glances over at her, at the frown developing between her eyes, at the lines bracketing her mouth. She usually smiles as much as her son does, and it hits Jensen how worried she must be.

“Here we go,” she says, pushing open a door just like all the others in the corridor.

Only one lamp burns in the corner of Jared’s room, casting the bed in inky shadows. When they walk in, Gerry lifts his head and stands, a small smile lifting the corners of his mouth.

“Jensen, how are you?” he asks, giving him a tight hug.

“I’m fine,” Jensen replies. How many times am I gonna have to answer that question before people believe me? 

Gerry looks at him appraisingly, but simply steps back and puts an arm around his wife’s shoulders. “I’m glad. I’m really glad, Jensen.”

He doesn’t doubt that, but he still swallows nervously.

“We’ll let you have some privacy, honey,” Sharon tells him and squeezes his hand on her way passed.

“Thanks.”

Jensen waits till they leave before finally turning toward the bed. He takes a deep breath and sits in the chair Gerry had used. They’d dressed all Jared’s wounds, but he can barely see the bruising through all the machines and things hooked up to him- an IV, oxygen cannula, probe on his finger to observe blood oxygen, heart monitor, some he doesn’t even know what they’re for. His heartbeat seems slow, but it’s stable, and Jensen watches the steady rise and fall of his chest for a long time, unconsciously matching his breathing to Jared’s. Everything’s noisy, though, too loud in the small space, too many beeps and whirring, and Jensen has an absurd desire to unplug it all to get some quiet.

It’s not right, seeing Jared so unnaturally still, so pale beneath all the bandages and the dark fall of the hair on his forehead. Jared’s too full of life, too bright and happy, to be lying here like this, to look so vulnerable. Sharon said Jared’s chances are good, that the doctor’s are convinced he’ll make it through this, but looking at him now and hearing all the machines beside him, Jensen wonders how much of that was truth and how much just trying to paint an optimistic outlook, to tell them what they want to hear.

After God knows how long of just staring at him, Jensen clears his throat and scoots the chair closer to the bed. “Hey, Jay.” His voice sounds rough, unused, although he’s talked plenty in the last few hours. “Um, they told me you can hear me and that talking to you might help. Guess you have to listen to me for a change, huh?” He drops his eyes, realizes he’s twisting his hands in the sheet and stops abruptly, smoothing the covers back down. His head throbs, and his hands shake. “I’m fine. Might get a cool scar on my cheek. Make me look tougher, right? I’d, uh, I’d be better, though, if you’d wake up and tell me what a dork I am or something. So could you- Just open your eyes, okay, Jay? Just open your eyes.”

Jensen bites his bottom lip, feeling hot tears slip down his face, and closes his eyes. It doesn’t stop them, though, and he blows out a breath and lets them fall. Bending over, he rests his head on the bed, pressing his forehead against Jared’s hip, just to feel his body heat, reassure himself that Jared is alive. He falls asleep like that, a deep, exhausted sleep, and doesn’t notice when Sharon comes in and covers him with a blanket. 

@@@

His mom arrived at some point. He discovers this when he wanders out of Jared’s room, bleary-eyed and rubbing the small of his back, and finds her and Sharon talking quietly in the hallway. They immediately fall silent when they see him, and his mom bursts into tears and folds him in her arms. Jensen buries his nose in her shoulder, breathing in the clean scent of her citrus shampoo, and holds on tight. He’s never felt more like a little boy in need of comfort than he does right now.

Eventually, she pulls away and frames his face with her tiny hands, her palms soft against his battered cheeks. “Are you all right, baby?” Her eyes shine with unshed tears, but she seems to have calmed down somewhat.

“I’m fine, Mama. Really,” he assures her at her narrowed-eyed look. “I’m a little achy, but I’m okay.”

“Thank God.” She pulls him in for another hug and murmurs in his ear, “Thank God.”

“Mama.”

Cradling his face again, she says, “I’m gonna take you home.”

“Mama, I don’t want-”

“No arguing with me. You need to eat something, Jensen. I’m gonna take you home so you can eat and change, regroup a bit. I’m sure Sharon will call if anything happens.”

“Of course I will,” Sharon promises, smiling.

“All right,” he concedes, “but only for a little while. I wanna get back here.”

The women exchange a concerned glance, and Jensen stares at the wall over his mom’s shoulder and pretends not to notice. He was just in a car accident, for fuck’s sakes, and Jared’s his best friend. Shouldn’t he want to be there with him? His mom takes his arm, squeezing gently, and it washes over him again, that desire to crawl in her lap and let her make it all better.

“Come on. The sooner we leave, the sooner we can get back,” she says.

“Yeah. Okay,” he replies reluctantly.

He wants to stick his head in Jared’s door, see him one last time before he goes, just in case. He knows, in his head, that it’s irrational, that he shouldn’t want to throw a temper tantrum and yell “YOU CAN’T MAKE ME LEAVE!” He’s not exactly thinking clearly right now or firing on all cylinders. His mom’s probably right. He needs to eat, get cleaned up, feel like himself again. It’s just, with Jared still in the hospital, nothing feels right.

“Jensen? Baby, are you all right?”

He nods shakily, and she steers him back down the hall toward the elevator. Jensen sticks to his plan, though, and after a quick shower (no shaving, not through all those cuts) and an even quicker meal of a ham sandwich and chips, he heads back to the hospital. His mom tsks and tries to get him to stay longer, but she’s tired from traveling and not up to much of a fight. Less than an hour after he left, he walks off the elevator into the ICU, jittery with nerves. Sharon swore she’d call if something happened, but Jensen wants to see, wants to know firsthand Jared hasn’t gotten worse.

He hasn’t gotten any better either, though. One day stretches into two, then three and four. Jared’s doctors smile and say his outlook is still promising, but Jensen realizes the longer he stays unconscious (he refuses to use the word coma), the more complications can occur. No one will admit that, however. Jensen wants to scream in frustration, make them help him, make Jared wake up. NOW.

An endless parade of people comes in and out of Jared’s room- doctors and nurses, his parents and brother and sister. Chad calls Jensen, irritated and swearing, because he can’t get out of filming to come up to Vancouver. Jensen understands and reports back whenever something happens, even something minor, and Chad thanks him about a hundred times. Other family and friends and people from the set send flowers and cards and balloons, well-wishes that spill over every surface of the room and onto the floor.

They trade off sitting vigil at Jared’s bed, talking to him or telling him stories. Gerry reads him the paper everyday and tacks the best cartoons up on the wall for Jared to see later. Jensen eats when someone reminds him to, mostly his mom until she goes home a couple days later, and sleeps when it’s not his turn to be with Jared. And waits.

@@@

There’s something stabbing him in the side. Jared squeezes his eyes shut and curls around the pain, but it gets worse, more insistent, other little hurts digging at him and demanding his attention. It brings him fully into consciousness, and he doesn’t want that, wants to go back to the dark, happy place. He feels a hand on his forehead and hears someone say his name, but he just grunts and shakes his head. Go ‘way. Wan’ more sleep, he tries to tell whoever it is, but cotton coats his throat, and the words won’t come. The voice gets louder, shapes into his mom’s soft drawl. Jared thinks that maybe he can wake up for her, so he opens his eyes. To blackness. He reaches up to remove whatever bandage covers his eyes, but his fingers find only skin.

“Mama?” he croaks through his cotton-dry throat, panic welling in his chest. “Can’t see. I can’t see!”

His mom yells for the doctor, and Jared scrabbles to get ahold of her, to touch her somehow. His hand finally catches on her arm, and he clutches it to his chest. Someone starts screaming, and it takes him a minute to realize it’s him. More hands touch him, an impersonal contact on his cheeks and eyelids.

“Jared, I’m Dr. Lange. We’re going to figure out what’s wrong, but I need you to calm down first, okay?” 

Dr. Lange’s voice soothes Jared slightly, but he can’t stop screaming, can’t stop the litany of I can’t see from running in his head. He feels the prick of a needle in his arm, and everything goes blessedly hazy again.

The next time he claws back to consciousness, he’s a lot calmer. He knows it’s from the drugs coursing through his veins, and he welcomes that detachment. He rolls toward the rustling he hears.

“Mama?”

“JT? It’s Dad, and Jensen’s here, too,” his dad answers, gently laying a hand on his head.  
“Jen?”

“Right here, Jay.” Jensen’s voice comes from his other side, close and too quiet.  
Jared stretches out to where he thinks Jensen is, and then he’s right there, sitting on the bed and wrapping his arms around Jared in a tight hug. Jared clings to him, tucking his head against Jensen’s chest and breathing raggedly.

“I can’t see,” he whispers, voice trembling. I can’t see. I can’t see I can’t see I can’t see I can’t see.

“I know, Jay. I know.” Jensen rubs his back and settles him closer. “But it’s gonna be all right. You’re gonna be all right.”

The disconnect from the drugs shatters then, and he starts crying, great, wracking sobs that shake his whole body. Jensen just holds him, murmuring random assurances in his ear, until the tears slow down. Jared sniffs and sits back. His arm brushes a sticky, wet patch on Jensen’s shirt as he lets go, and he grimaces.

“I’m sorry about that,” Jared says, gesturing to the spot.

“Jared, it’s okay. Not the first disgusting thing you’ve gotten on me,” Jensen replies, the smile evident in his voice. 

Jared’s cheeks burn in embarrassment. Not in front of my dad! he wants to shout, but Jensen’s “remember the slime?” forestalls him and startles a laugh out of him. “God, Kim almost killed us that day,” Jared mutters.

“Yeah. Hey, Jay? Do you remember what happened? Why you’re in the hospital? Jensen asks softly. When Jared shakes his head, he continues. “We were in a car accident. You hit your head pretty badly. They think that’s why you can’t-” He pauses and clears his throat. “Why you can’t see.”

“Are you okay, Jensen?”

He hears Jensen’s small sigh before he answers. “Yeah, Jay, I’m good. A little beat up and sore, but I’m good.”

Jared grasps Jensen’s thigh, because it’s pressed against his own, and he doesn’t have to grope around on the bed to find it.

“Jared? I’m Dr. Lange. We met earlier, but I’m not sure you’d recall that.”

Jared lifts his head toward the new voice, and it’s only then he realizes his dad left to get the doctor. “Hi. I’m, uh, Jared. I guess you already knew that, though, huh?”

“It’s always nice to have a formal introduction, Jared. How are you feeling?”

He flinches at the cold hand on his face, squashing back into his pillows.

“Easy now,” Dr. Lange says softly. “I need to examine you. I promise I won’t hurt you.”

“Don’t worry, Jay. He doesn’t have anything sharp,” Jensen mentions when Jared refuses to relax.

Nodding, Jared hesitantly bends his head for Dr. Lange, Jensen’s leg a warm support under his hand. 

@@@

Dr. Lange sends Jared for a multitude of tests. He spends the next two days getting poked at and examined and thoroughly looked over. All the tests confirm what Dr. Lange suspected. He has swelling around his brain. In his brain. Something. He’s still so disoriented and overwhelmed by everything, Dr. Lange’s explanation makes little sense to him. Essentially, it boils down to this: the swelling is causing his blindness, and he requires surgery, brain surgery. Other complications could occur if he doesn’t have the operation, but it’s no guarantee he’ll regain his eyesight. He panics when Dr. Lange tells him all this, hyperventilating, racing heart, shaking, and it takes everything he has to not start screaming again. Jeff’s the only one that can calm him down, speaking as a brother and a doctor.

“Jared, listen to me.” Jeff puts his hands on Jared’s shoulders and squeezes gently. “You need to have this done. Not maybe, definitely. It’s scary, yeah, but the consequences of not doing the surgery are even scarier. It’s a simple surgery. As far as these things go,” he adds when Jared snorts in disbelief. “If I didn’t trust your doctors or thought this was a bad decision, I’d tell you. You know that.”

“Yeah.” Jared exhales loudly and reaches up to clasp Jeff’s hand. “Thanks. It’s just, a week ago, everything was great, and now,” he trails off, hanging his head.

“You’ll be okay, Jared.”

Sighing, he rubs his eyes. “I’m tired.” It’s true, but also a way to end this conversation. He realizes he needs the surgery, that he can’t opt out of it, but it still scares him.

“Right. I’ll leave you alone then. You’ll be okay, Jared,” he repeats right before Jared hears the door click shut.

Jared curls onto his side and closes his eyes, but it’s a long time until he falls asleep. He thinks about a lifetime of this darkness, of the faith his brother has in his doctors and the faith he has in his brother, and decides to meet this head-on. Brain surgery is frightening, yeah, but he resolves to be brave about it.

The next day, when his mom shows up with her usual bright greeting and kiss on his forehead, Jared sits up carefully and asks, “Mama, will you cut my hair?”

“Whatever for, honey?” She cups his cheek, then runs a hand through his hair, untangling the messy curls.

“They’ll need to shave part of it for the surgery. I figure it won’t look so obvious if my hair’s short.” He swallows, fighting down the roiling in his stomach. I can do this, he tells himself.

“Oh, honey,” she answers slowly. He can hear the tears in her voice. “Of course I’ll do it.”

It takes awhile and some wrangling, but his mom finally steps back from where he perches on a chair and removes the towel from around his shoulders. “There, all done,” she declares with a hint of pride. The last time she did this, he was 12 and on the verge of being embarrassed by his home-done haircuts.

“How do I look?” Jared asks. It already feels lighter and weird, not having it brush his ears or the back of his neck. He hasn’t had it this short for a decade. 

“Like a giant dork, so no different,” Megan pipes up, giggling.

Without thinking, Jared gives her the finger, then jumps when his mom swats the back of his head. “Sorry, Mama,” he mutters.

They schedule the surgery for early the next morning. Jared spends most of that night quietly freaking out, his family hovering and trying to distract him. Eventually, he kicks them all out, except Jensen, who doesn’t back away when Jared starts crying, just holds him and lets him get snot all over another shirt.

“I’m scared,” he admits in a pathetically small voice. So much for the courage he showed earlier.

“I know.” Jensen hugs him tighter. “But you’ve made it this far. You’re not gonna let something as small as brain surgery get you, are you?”

Jared laughs, but it turns into a sob. Burying his nose in Jensen’s collarbone, he squeezes his eyes shut and doesn’t hold back the tears. He’s so grateful Jensen’s there, that he can count on Jensen’s friendship. They’ve leaned on each other before, but never for anything like this. They sometimes have a complicated relationship, but he knows Jensen will always be there for him, in a way his family never can be.

“You’ll be all right, Jay. I know you will,” Jensen says softly.

Jared answers by crying harder and folding in closer against Jensen’s chest. After awhile, he falls into a restless sleep, with Jensen in the chair beside the bed, breathing deep and even. And the morning comes way too soon.

@@@

His surgery goes well. At least, that’s what his dad tells him when he wakes up almost a day later. The swelling has already gone down considerably, which is an excellent sign. They put him through even more tests, checking for cognitive and physical impairments. He’s unsteady on his feet from all his injuries and after being confined to a bed for so long, but everything’s fine. Everything, that is, except his eyes. He blinks back tears when he opens his eyes to a world of darkness and finds nothing has changed. Dr. Lange says to give it time, that his eyesight can still come back, that it may happen in degrees and not all at once.

In the meantime, since that’s not a guarantee, he begins working with a therapist, relearning how to walk and eat and dress without the same spatial reasoning and depth perception. It’s hard, harder than he thought it would be. He has other injuries to contend with, and it’s not like simply having your eyes closed. Dr. Lange explains it to him as the signals from his eyes to his brain getting crossed or stopped or something. Jared’s by no means stupid, but he’s still too overwhelmed with I can’t see to really comprehend it all. Everything he knew, everything in his life is different. Gone. And he can’t accept that, can’t deal with the uncertainties and instability of his future. He knows he’s lucky, that it could be worse, but that’s hard to remember when all he sees is blackness.

Jeff heads back to Texas and his own family after a couple days, and Megan leaves soon after. She started a new job a few months ago and can’t take anymore time off. They both hug him before they go, and Jeff promises to answer any questions Jared has that he doesn’t want to discuss with Dr. Lange. Megan cries. She tries to hide it, but Jared develops this crying sixth sense (Fifth, since he’s down one?), and he can always tell now, just like he always knows who’s in the room with him.

His parents and Jensen take turns babysitting him. They don’t call it that, of course, just say they’re keeping him company. Yes, he smacks into walls and tables all the time. Yes, he tends to knock over cups and plates and almost stabbed Jensen with a fork once when he hit the handle and it flew right at Jensen. He luckily ducked, but Jared still apologized for three hours afterward. Yes, he can’t do things on his own, but he’s never alone now, and while he normally loves people, he wants a chance to scream and cry and feel sorry for himself without someone there to comfort him or try to make it better. Because they can’t make it better.

He fidgets, bored and upset and sore. He hates sitting still for so long, hates that he can’t do anything. He has a private room, thankfully, but it’s small, closed-in, and he moves around in it restlessly. He misses his house and his dogs, misses the 5 a.m. call times and everyone on set, misses fresh air and sunshine. He gets cranky, snaps at people for no reason, even yells at his mom unnecessarily and throws the water pitcher against the wall with a crash so loud it brings a nurse racing in.

“I want my life back!” he shouts, hands balled into fists and breathing harshly through his nose.

He’s inconsolable, no amount of calming words or bribing works, and he pouts for the rest of day, sullen and withdrawn, not talking to anyone.

The next day, his mom arranges for someone to teach him Braille, more to keep him occupied, he thinks, but he doesn’t say that to her. Jodi is patient with his moodiness and not-so-subtle heavy sighing, just waits out his arms-crossed huffing. She’s chatty and bubbly, and he likes her despite his initial refusal to pay any attention to her. Over the next couple of weeks, his Braille lessons end up being the highlight of his day, something he anticipates happily, and he apologizes to his mom for being a brat and thanks her. She just kisses his cheek and strokes his hair.

It certainly doesn’t stop him from wanting to get out of the hospital right the fuck now and go home, though.

@@@

When Jensen walks into Jared’s room, Jared’s sound asleep, curled awkwardly on his side in the tiny bed. He practically spills out of the thing, one leg hanging over the edge and hands tucked under the pillow. He has deep frown lines etched in his forehead, not quite hidden by his bangs. They must’ve finally taken the bandage around Jared’s head off after Jensen left last night, and the sight of Jared’s short hair causes unexpected tears to well in his eyes. It’s not like he hasn’t seen it before, but combined with the small shaved spot and stitches near his temple, and it suddenly hits him how close Jared could’ve come to dying. Again. He’s grateful Jared can’t see him as he rubs distractedly at his eyes, then immediately hates himself for even thinking that. Jared’s fucking blind, and he’s worried about his goddamn dignity?

Taking a deep, calming breath, Jensen slips into the chair by the bed. After a couple minutes, Jared stirs and rolls over, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks before he finally opens his eyes.

“Jen?” Jared asks groggily, reaching out toward the chair where Jensen sits.

“Yep, it’s me,” he replies, infusing his voice with as much brightness as he can to mask his stupid crying. He’s used to Jared knowing who’s in the room with him now. He figures it has to do with cologne or aftershave or something. What he can’t get used to is Jared’s still clear hazel eyes looking past him and not at him. “Time to get up, Sleeping Beauty. I’m springing you from this joint.”

Jared scrambles upright so fast he nearly clocks Jensen in the chin with a flailing arm. “Really?”

His cautiously hopeful expression stabs Jensen’s heart. Jared is so not the kind of guy you can keep cooped up. He needs fresh air and to move, not to be stuck in a bed. No wonder he’d been grumpy and bitchy lately. “Really. Come on, get up.”

“You’re my hero!” Jared exclaims, throwing his arms around Jensen’s neck.

“Hold on, man. I’m not taking you far, just outside for awhile.”

“I don’t care. I’m going nuts in here, Jensen.”

“I know. That’s why I’m sneaking you out. If you let go of me and swing your legs over, I’ll help you change into some normal clothes.” Not that normal clothes will disguise him, but Jared must be tired of hospital garb by now.

“You’re the best!” Jared announces and presses a smacking kiss to his ear.

Jensen doubts he meant to get him there, but his aim isn’t what it used to be, and that makes more ridiculous tears pool in his eyes. In order to get himself back under control, Jensen grabs the jeans and t-shirt he brought for Jared. “All right, arms up,” he instructs Jared, who happily throws his arms up so Jensen can pull the hospital-issue shirt over his head. It’s a measure of his enthusiasm, since he usually grumbles about needing help to undress. They get him changed quickly enough, and Jared hops up from the bed, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Jared holds his arm as they walk. It doesn’t exactly help with the whole sneaking thing, but Jared still wobbles somewhat from lack of balance and recovering from his surgeries. Jensen tries to imagine he’s just leading a drunken Jared after a night at the bar, but it doesn’t really work. Jared hangs onto him too tightly, walks too closely, his excitement diminished by the careful way he has to place his feet. It’s worth it, though, when they get outside and Jared stops, pulling Jensen to a halt beside him. Tipping his face up to the morning sun, Jared sucks in a deep breath and smiles.

“Thanks for this, Jen,” he says quietly.

“No problem, dude. I was getting tired of you whining,” Jensen tells him and dodges the hand Jared swings at him. “Do you wanna sit down? There’s a bench over to the left. It’s in the sun.”

“Yeah, that’ll be cool.”

Jensen settles them on the bench, and Jared sighs, leaning his head on the back of the seat. They sit in silence for awhile, Jared content to just be out of his room.

“You doing okay, Jared?”

“Yeah, Jen. This is awesome.”

“No, I meant with everything. Are you okay?”

Shaking his head, Jared fiddles with the hem of his shirt. “I’m losing my mind in that room, Jen. I just want everything to go back to normal, even though I know it won’t. I keep expecting to wake up and have my eyesight back, like this great miracle will just happen overnight. It’s stupid, and I know I need to accept that my life is never going to be the same again, that this…darkness is my future, but I can’t help hoping.”

“There’s nothing wrong with having hope, Jay.”

Jared shrugs, bending his head. His bangs fall into his eyes, and Jensen makes an abortive gesture to brush them away. “Truthfully, I’m not really handling this very well.”

“That’s bullshit,” Jensen says emphatically. “That’s bullshit, Jay. You’re handling this so much better than I ever would.” Than I am.

“You know what I really want? It’s stupid, but I want some real food. Or candy. Something besides the bland crap they give me here. It’s never enough, either.”

Jensen smiles and pulls something out of his pocket. “Good thing I brought this then.”

“What is it?”

“Gummi bears,” Jensen answers, then pretty much gets mauled by Jared.

“You really are my hero!” he shouts gleefully, taking the package of candy and wrapping his arms around Jensen in a tight hug.

Laughing, Jensen hugs him back and watches as Jared grins and rips open the package. It’s the first truly Jared smile he’s seen in weeks, big, bright, and dimpled, and his anxiety melts away. He’s pretty sure Jared’s smile could bring about world peace or cure cancer. Jared offers some candy to him, and he pops a few in his mouth, pretending he doesn’t notice that Jared’s still snuggled close against his side or how his stomach flips over when Jared rests his head on his shoulder. 

@@@

“Jen! They’re letting me go home in a couple days!” Jared exclaims before Jensen even makes it all the way in the door to his room.

“Dude, that’s awesome. I feel like I should say congratulations or something,” Jensen replies, sliding into the chair by the bed and propping his feet on the mattress.

“Thanks. I can’t wait to get out of here.”

“But?” Jensen prompts when Jared hesitates.

Shrugging uncomfortably, Jared twists the sheet around a finger. “I’m a little scared, too. Or nervous and apprehensive, at least. Here, everything’s taken care of for me. I don’t have to worry about it. Out there,” he waves a hand vaguely before running it through his hair, “it’s all gonna be…real. Does that make any sense?”

“Once you leave, you have to really start thinking about your future. Is that it?”  
“Yeah. I’ve been avoiding that.”

“I don’t really blame you, Jay.” Jensen sits up and squeezes Jared’s arm. “I still think you’re handling this pretty damn well.” 

Jared smiles ruefully and turns to face Jensen, folding his legs Indian style. And focusing somewhere over Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen suppresses a pang at that. He never realized how much Jared made eye contact with him, would give him these sly looks when something amused him, or how much he relied on Jared’s eyes to give him cues on how he felt or what he was thinking. By all appearances, if you ignore the scar at his temple and the way he still hunches slightly over the wound cutting across his lower abdomen, you’d never know anything’s wrong. It always catches Jensen off guard when something forces him to remember, hurts in a way he didn’t expect. He should just be grateful Jared’s alive, and he is, but he can’t help wishing things could be different for Jared. He’d trade places with him in a second if he could, to spare him all this pain and uncertainty. Jared deserves so much more than this. 

Jared clears his throat, playing with the sheet again. “I need to ask you a favor.”

“Sure. Anything.”

“You might want to hear it before you agree,” Jared tells him with a small smile.

“Okay,” Jensen says slowly, curious. Jared’s never asked him something he wasn’t willing to do or give, and considering everything they’ve been through over the years, that’s pretty amazing.

“Can you- Can you come stay with me? I don’t know for how long, but I’m gonna need help cooking and cleaning, taking care of the dogs and, um, taking care of me. Mama wants me to get a nurse or something, but I don’t want a stranger coming into my house and taking over my life. And Mama and Dad have jobs and things to get back to in Texas. They can’t stay here indefinitely.”

“Jay, I don’t-” Jensen starts, but Jared talks right over him.

“I trust you, Jen, more than anybody. You’ve seen me at me best, and you’ve seen me at my worst and everything in between.” Jared leans forward, forearms resting on his thighs. “I know this is a huge thing to ask and I have no idea how long you’ll have to stay or anything. Believe me, I hate to admit I even need the help, but I can’t do this on my own, at least not right away.” Biting his bottom lip, Jared dips his head. 

Dammit, Jared’s puppy dog eyes still work. Jensen has never been able to resist that look. Which probably explains a lot.

“All right,” Jensen says. “But you are gonna owe me so big for this.” There are maybe a million reasons why this could be a bad idea, but he only requires one reason to agree. Jared needs him, and Jensen would do anything for him.

Jared grins and reaches out, snagging the side of Jensen’s shirt to pull him into a hug. “Thank you. I really couldn’t do this without you, Jen,” Jared murmurs into his neck.

Jensen sighs quietly, arms loose around Jared’s waist and Jared’s warm breath tickling his ear, already making plans in his head of what he has to do, at home and at Jared’s, in order to stay with Jared for an unspecified amount of time. 

@@@

“So, you ready to blow this popsicle stand?” Jensen asks as he walks into Jared’s room.

“Yeah.” Jared swings his legs over the side of the bed, bouncing a little. He’s smiling, but it trembles around the edges.

“Everything all set? Paperwork taken care of and signed?”

“Yeah, it’s all done.”

“Ready to go then?”

“I think so.” Jared swallows, hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. After weeks of hospital gowns and what were essentially pajamas, it seems weird to see him in normal clothes, his hair combed and (somewhat) tamed. Jared lost his favorite Sam shoes in the accident, but he’s wearing his favorite running shoes, though they’re scuffed up and falling apart.

“Hey, you’ll be all right.” Jensen squeezes his shoulder, and Jared’s smile loses some of that tremulous quality. Jensen can’t blame him for being scared about going home after so long. All together, Jared’s been in the hospital for over a month- five days of unconsciousness in the ICU, a week under observation after his surgery, and another three weeks of recovery and physical therapy. He’s been going stir-crazy, yeah, but this is where reality kicks in and he no longer has the security of doctors and nurses 24/7. “I’ll be with you and your parents will be, too, for awhile.”

“I know.” Jared raises his head and gives him a half smile. “Can we go now?”

“Sure. I’ve got a wheelchair here. Hop in.” Jared huffs. “Hey, it’s hospital policy, dude. Don’t complain to me.”

After another huff and an eye roll, Jared slowly stands up and gropes for the wheelchair Jensen parked by the bed. He plops down heavily in it, clutching a small duffle in his lap. He’s not taking much with him, considering how long he’s been here. Jensen squeezes his shoulder again and wheels him out the door.

“Your dad’s waiting downstairs with the car, and your mom’s at the house,” Jensen tells him.

“Cleaning, right?” Jared snorts, shaking his head.

“Probably. I think she scrubbed the whole place from top to bottom in the last day or so.”

“Yeah, sounds like her.”

Jared’s quiet on the ride home, just sits with his head against the backrest and his eyes closed. Jensen watches him in the rearview mirror and tries not to worry too much about him. Sharon greets them in the driveway all smiles, but she nervously wrings her hands. She gives Jared a hug and a kiss, patting his cheek. Jared smiles, but hangs back after his parents go inside, bouncing on his toes and switching his bag from one shoulder to the other. 

Throwing an arm around Jared’s shoulders, Jensen ruffles his hair with the other hand. “Come on, Jay. It’ll be okay,” he says.

Jared nods and takes a deep breath. “Yeah.”

They stop by the front door, where Jared kicks his shoes off under the side table, adding to the pile already there, and dumps his bag at his feet.

“We rearranged some things to make it easier for you, moved the furniture so you’ll have more room to walk around and stuff,” Jensen explains. “It’s all basically in the same places, but, uh, I don’t know. Maybe you should walk around and figure it out on your own?”

“Okay,” Jared agrees, shrugging. “You won’t always be here to hold my hand, right?”

I wish I could be. Jensen clears his throat and steps away from Jared. “Right.” Jared looks so apprehensive and lost, like a stranger in his own house, and Jensen hates to see him so upset.

He and the Padaleckis mostly stay out of the way as Jared slowly explores, taking careful steps with his hands outstretched. He wanders from the living room to the kitchen and dining room to his office, counting footsteps under his breath. 20 from the front door to the couch. 11 from the couch to the TV. 33 from the couch to the fridge and so on. One of them always hovers nearby, just in case, but the only time Jared needs them is when he comes out of the dining room and his sock catches on a nail sticking out from the baseboard. He slips on the hardwood floor, arms flailing, but Jensen grabs him around the waist and holds him up before he nosedives into the wall. Gerry dashes off to get a hammer to fix it, but Jared’s already moved on to the next room. By the time he heads upstairs, he’s more confident, not hesitating as much, and discovers how to run a hand along the wall to find doorways and corners.

Standing in the middle of his bedroom, Jared turns in Jensen’s direction and asks, “Where’re the dogs?”

“With Anna.” Anna walks Sadie and Harley when Jared doesn’t take them to set, and she spoils them maybe more than Jared does. “I didn’t think it was a good idea to have them underfoot, at least until you get settled in.” 

“That makes sense, I guess.” Disappointment flashes across his face.

“You can go visit them in a couple days, if you want.”

“Yeah? I definitely want to.” Smiling slightly, Jared cocks his head. “I’m hungry.”

Jensen laughs and shakes his head. “Why doesn’t that surprise me? Your mom went shopping yesterday, and I know for a fact she bought everything to make burgers.”

Jared brightens, standing up straighter, grin playing at his mouth. “Really?” he asks excitedly.

“Yeah. Come on, Jay, let’s go get you some real food.”

@@@

A good meal does much to improve Jared’s mood and the color in his cheeks. He smiles, without a hint of melancholy, and asks for seconds. Sharon starts clearing the table as Jared finishes his fries. She lays a hand on the back of his neck as she passes, and Jared hunches his shoulders with an exasperated Mama. Scratching the spot she touched, he runs his fingers up the back of his hair and grimaces.

“I feel disgusting,” Jared complains. “I need a shower, an honest-to-God real shower. Do I look like I’ve spent the past month getting sponge baths in the hospital?”

“No, honey, you don’t,” Sharon answers, coming back into the dining room and placing her hand on his head.

“Is she lying, Jen?”

“You look a little ragged,” Jensen admits reluctantly, shifting in his seat. “A shower and a shave wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

“I wanna shower. But I suppose you won’t let me go on my own, huh?”

“I just don’t think that’s a good idea, JT, not for your first time. Someone needs to be with you, as a precaution.” Sharon says as she combs through Jared’s hair.

They all turn in Jensen’s direction, and he shrinks back in his chair, caught by three intense Padalecki stares. Guess he’s the chosen candidate for watching Jared shower. Awesome. It’s not that he minds especially (Hell, he’s seen Jared in a lot more compromising situations than that.), and he knew things like this were bound to arise when he agreed to stay with Jared. But there’s something awkward about being with a naked Jared while his parents are in the house. It makes him uneasy, makes something uncomfortable prick under his skin, but he can’t exactly tell them why he wants to refuse. He’s sure Jared gets it, since he shoots a sympathetic look toward him. It’s on the tip of his tongue to suggest Gerry go instead, but he still finds himself saying yes and following Jared upstairs, though. 

Jensen leans against the sink, biting his lip and staring at his feet while Jared strips unselfconsciously.

“You’re blushing, aren’t you?” Jared asks, toeing his clothes off to the side.

“No,” Jensen denies, and folds his arms across his chest, very pointedly not looking anywhere near Jared.

“Liar. I can feel it from here. What’s the big deal, Jen? You’ve seen me naked before.”

He says it so casually, as if they accidentally saw each other in the wardrobe trailer or something, when it’s so much more than that. He ignores Jared’s question and crosses over to the shower to turn on the water. He steps out of Jared’s way, retreating to the sink again. Jared spends five minutes adjusting the water to the right temperature, then finally climbs in.

Jared has a huge, walk-in shower with multiple showerheads in his master suite. Four people could easily fit inside it and still have extra space. Jensen takes advantage of this by standing in the back corner in his t-shirt and boxers, mostly out of the water and out of Jared’s way, allowing him to take care of himself. Jensen’s there just in case Jared needs him, and he’d do it from across the room if he could, but if something happened, it’d take too long for him to get to Jared. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor, listening as Jared happily hums under his breath. They have showered together before, but that was always more about one of them on their knees, getting off, and less about getting cleaned, and Jensen feels wrong about looking at Jared when Jared can’t look back.

He can only stare at the water cascading down the drain for so long, though, and his natural curiosity takes over eventually. He risks a peek, eyes traveling up from Jared’s long legs and over his broad shoulders. He’s pale but still amazingly toned, considering his long hospital stay. He always thought Jared was gorgeous, from their first read-through for the network and months before the first messy handjobs they traded in Jared’s truck. And now, even with fine scars covering his face and arms and the four-inch line of puckered skin on his lower abdomen, he’s still one of the most beautiful people Jensen’s ever seen. Closing his eyes and sucking in a breath, Jensen shifts uncomfortably and wills down his half-hard dick. This is so not the time for that. He’s not sure it ever will be again, if he even wants it to be anymore, his body’s automatic response to Jared notwithstanding.

Luckily, Jared doesn’t take too much longer and gets out and dressed. Jensen can handle all this better with clothes between them. He leaves Jared downstairs in the living room with his parents while he gets changed himself, then settles beside Jared on the couch. A few minutes later, in the middle of a sentence, Jared’s eyes droop and he tips sideways, head landing on Jensen’s shoulder. It’s not really a surprise; it’s been a long fucking day, and Jared still tires easily. Jensen leaves him there for awhile, not wanting to disturb him, until he notices Sharon giving him an inscrutable look. Head tilted to the side, she studies him with her brows drawn together. Flushing, Jensen pokes Jared awake enough to get him on his feet and upstairs. Jared sits on the side of his bed, shoulders slumped with exhaustion, and hugs Jensen.

“Thanks, Jen,” he mumbles, then yawns against Jensen’s stomach.

Jensen stops himself from smoothing back Jared’s hair and gently pushes him back on the bed. “Go to sleep, Jared,” he says quietly.

Jared curls around his pillow, mumbles something else unintelligible, and is asleep within seconds. Jensen shakes his head and heads downstairs with a small smile curving his lips.

@@@

Jared is up before everyone else the next morning. He’d gotten used to waking up to a dark and colorless world, but he’s disoriented for a minute before he remembers he’s home. In his own bed, without the constant noise and bustle of the hospital, without anyone checking on him every hour. This…freedom is heady, both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. After shuffling into the bathroom and back out, he carefully makes his way downstairs, descending one step at a time and holding tight to the railing. He knows he should wake someone, that his mom would worry about him being on his own. She’s probably right to worry, but he won’t always have someone around to rely on. He’s determined to do something by himself.

He grabs an apple and a banana for breakfast- anything more elaborate is beyond him at this point still- and stumbles outside to the deck. It spans pretty much the whole back of his house and is what sold him on the place, that and the yard for Sadie and Harley. Sighing, he drops heavily into the swing, maybe regrets doing so when it creaks ominously. Crossing his feet at the ankles, he slowly rocks the swing and eats his fruit. It’s chilly out, but he can feel the sun on his face, feel it heating the top of his hair. He got so tired of the stale air of the hospital, of being stuck inside. He has to admit, though, that coming home wasn’t what he imagined. Everything seems slightly off, with the furniture rearranged just enough to confuse him, and it’s too quiet without the dogs there. He hadn’t realized how much he missed them till he walked in and they didn’t greet him at the door, all puppy kisses and excitement. He knows they won’t treat him any differently, that they’ll still love him, as long as he feeds them and pets them enough. Jensen and his family try, but they’re too aware of what’s changed.

“Jared? What are you doing out here, man?”

He startles at Jensen’s voice, too caught up in his thoughts to hear the sliding door behind him. “Just thinking. Enjoying the fresh air.”

The swing dips as Jensen sits beside him. “How long have you been up?”

Jared shrugs, placing his banana peel and apple core on the low table by the swing. “Awhile.”

“You okay?”

“Sure,” he answers, then considers it more closely. “Not really.”

“Jay-”

“Hey, Jen?” he interrupts. “What about the show? I know you haven’t been working at all, and I just- Nobody’s talking about it. That can’t be good, right?”

Jensen sighs, a loud exhalation of breath Jared almost thinks he can feel. “It’s kinda on hold right now. They’re still showing it, but we’re pretty sure it’s just a matter of time before official cancellation. Kripke thinks they’re just waiting till they run out of new episodes.”

He’s not especially surprised. Show business is notoriously ruthless, and networks cut their losses quickly at the first sign of trouble. But Supernatural is the best job he ever had. He loves playing Sam, and he knows how much the show means to Jensen. “God, Jen, all those people, the crew and everyone, they’re all out of jobs.” Because of me, he doesn’t say out loud. 

“It’s not your fault, Jared,” Jensen assures him, reading his mind like he always seems to do. “Kim and Kripke are doing everything they can to help. Everyone will be okay.”

Jared still feels guilty, though, and helpless, and he hates feeling like that.

“They asked me to finish the episode we were working on, but I refused,” Jensen confesses quietly. “There’s no Dean without Sam, right?”

Jared wonders if he imagined the implied “there’s no Jensen without Jared” in there. “What am I gonna do if I can’t act?” he asks. 

“I don’t know, but you’ll find something. I have faith in you.”

They fall silent for a minute while Jared fights back tears, contemplating his scarily uncertain future. “What am I gonna do?” he asks again, quietly, biting his lip as the tears spill over.

Jensen gathers him into a hug. “You’ll keep going. You’ll get sad and angry and cry and wanna quit, but you’ll figure it out.” He tightens his arms around Jared’s back. “And I’ll be with you for every part of it.”

“Promise?” His voice breaks on that, and he tucks his head against Jensen’s neck.

“I promise,” Jensen says adamantly, and Jared believes him.

Of all the people in his life, he probably relies on Jensen the most, for a number of reasons and even before the accident. He’s not sure he can do this without him, knows he doesn’t want to. He holds tight to Jensen as he continues to cry, until someone clears their throat nearby. “Mornin’, Mama,” he murmurs, backing away and wiping at his eyes. Jensen hangs on for a second more, then lets him go.

“Morning, boys. Chad’s on the phone for you, JT. I left it on the table right by the door.”

“Thanks.”

“Did I interrupt something?” he hears her ask as he reaches the phone. 

“No,” comes Jensen’s answer, too quick and slightly high-pitched. Jared smirks a little. It’s not like she caught them with their pants down or something. Though it’s been a near miss a couple times in the past.

There’s a pause, then his mom’s voice again, softer this time. “Is he all right?”

“No. But he will be.”

Jared stops with his hand on the phone, caught by the confidence of Jensen’s tone. Yeah, I will be, he thinks with a smile, feeling better than he did even a few minutes ago. I will be.

@@@

Jared’s parents stay for a few more days before leaving for Texas. He wants them to get back to their lives, but he almost wishes they could stay longer. He misses his family, living so far from home, and it’s been good spending time with them, despite the reason they’re here. He walks them out to their rental car, while Jensen stays inside to give them privacy. He shakes his dad’s hand, then pulls him into a one-armed hug. When did his dad get so tiny? Or had he never taken the time to notice? His mom hugs him tight and hangs on, even after he backs up, fists clutched in his shirt.

“Mama,” he murmurs, gently prying her hands away.

“You’ll call? Let me know how you’re doing?”

“Everyday, I promise. I’ll be fine, Mama. Jensen’s here if I need anything, but I’ll be fine.”

“Of course you will.” Cupping his cheeks, she pulls his head down and kisses his forehead. “Take care of yourself.” She tells him, sniffling.

He nods and retreats back onto the porch until he hears the car pull out of the driveway. Jensen comes out and stands beside him, then bumps their shoulders together. 

“Let’s go inside. I’ll fix us something to eat,” Jensen says, and Jared nods, following him into the house.

Jodi arrives after lunch to continue his Braille lessons. He enjoys his lessons. It’s actually fun learning the intricate patterns, and Jodi always brings interesting books for them to read. He wanted some time off, though, so he’s been avoiding it, using settling in at home as an excuse. But she called, and she has this uncanny ability to guilt him into things with one disappointed sigh. He hates to let her down. Jensen sits with them for awhile, but it must be boring watching Jared stumble over his words, so he shoos Jensen out of the dining room to go watch TV. They work for an hour or so, till Jared claims he needs a break.

“You look like you’re getting around pretty well,” Jodi remarks as he returns to the dining room and hands her a glass of water.

Sitting back down, he absently rubs a thumb over the book they’d been reading. “It’s gotten easier. Jensen’s helped a lot. It’s still…difficult sometimes. I went for a walk with Mama yesterday and tripped over something. Almost did a header into the sidewalk. I’ve never been the most coordinated person- too big feet and too long limbs, ya know?- but this is taking clumsy to a whole new level.”

“Have you thought about getting a seeing-eye dog?”

Jared shrugs uncomfortably. He thinks about it sometimes, but always rejects the idea. “I already have two dogs, and I get by okay on my own.”

“You’re still thinking of this as temporary, aren’t you?” she asks quietly. “You expect to get your eyesight back.”

He has to believe it’s temporary. He can’t bury that hope of someday being able to see again. It’s what keeps him going sometimes. After this long, Dr. Lange is no longer as optimistic during his checkups. He attempts to hide it, but Jared hears it in his voice. Yes, he mostly lives his life as if he’ll always be blind, but a small part of him dreams about regaining his eyesight, about waking up and having everything suddenly clear again. Getting a seeing-eye dog or using a cane feels like giving up somehow, and he refuses to do that.

“Jared.” Jodi touches his arm. “It’s good that you have that faith. We all need to have dreams and goals, but-”

“I need to face reality?” he supplies, maybe a bit sullenly. 

“I just don’t want you to be disappointed, honey.”

“I appreciate your concern, Jodi, but I’m fine. Really.” She makes a quiet noise of dissent, and Jared pats her hand. He wishes he knew what she looks like. He imagines her with kind eyes and a big smile. “I realize I’ll probably never see again. Believe me, that’s not something I can forget. I just need to hold onto something, ya know?”

“Of course. Now,” Jodi says, taking his hand and placing it on the book, “read this paragraph for me.”

Jared smiles. She’s tough, won’t let him cut corners or slack off, but she definitely has a soft side. It’s why he does whatever she asks without grumbling. Well, too much grumbling anyway. Bending his head, he hunches over the table and gets back to work.

@@@

“Oh, for fuck’s sakes,” Jensen growls, throwing his hands in the air. “Fine. Go get your shoes. I’ll call Anna and see if she’s gonna be home, so we can pick up the dogs.” Jensen’s willing to do anything to never hear Jared whine about missing Sadie and Harley again. It’s all he’s done this morning (and all of the 10 days since his parents left for Texas).

“Thanks, Jen!” Jared shouts, grabbing Jensen on his way past and hugging the hell out of him.

Jensen sighs and closes his eyes, all of his annoyance at Jared draining away at his enthusiasm. He squeezes the back of his neck, briefly flicks his thumb against the end of one of his short curls. “You’re welcome. Now come on, man, let me go, so I can call Anna.”

Jared flashes a brilliant grin at him and bounces over to the shoe pile by the door. He doesn’t stop smiling the whole ride to Anna’s and fidgets like he has ants in his pants while they wait for her to answer the door. Jensen swallows his laugh when Anna opens the door, then trails Jared inside. The dogs attack Jared the minute he steps foot into the living room, acting as if they haven’t seen him in weeks, even though they visited a couple days ago. Jared collapses onto the floor, rolling around with Sadie and Harley as they nuzzle his neck and lick all over his face, crawling on top of each other to get closer to him. Jared giggles, honest-to-God giggles, when Harley sticks his tongue in his ear, and something in Jensen’s stomach clenches at the sound. It seems like it’s been forever since he heard Jared that happy and open and free, and if he had his way, Jared would always be like that.

Sadie eventually wanders over to him, tail wagging enough to move her whole backend and ears flopping, and Jensen crouches down to rub her chest, her favorite spot. Leaning against his side, she gets that puppy-in-ecstasy look and growls when he stops. He scratches her ears, then stands up.

“You ready to take ‘em home, Jay?” he asks, watching Jared head butt Harley with a goofy grin on his face.

“Yeah, let’s go home!” Jared bounds to his feet and gropes his way over to Anna, lifting her into a hug so her feet dangle a foot or so above the floor. She’s a tiny thing, with several tattoos and piercings, and she dotes on Sadie and Harley as well as on Jared. “Thanks for taking such good care of my babies.”

“Welcome. But it was no problem. They’re good dogs,” she replies, patting his cheek. “Would you put me down, you idiot!”

Laughing, Jared sets her down, then herds the dogs toward the door. When they get home, Harley immediately heads to the kitchen and eats, but Sadie goes into every room, inspecting everything with her ears back before lying on top of Jared’s feet. Jared spends an hour that evening playing fetch with the dogs. He sits on the deck steps and tosses the tennis ball over and over, waits for one of them to bring it back and drop it in his lap. Jensen would’ve stopped long before, because of the drool factor if nothing else, but Jared just keeps at it, and his enthusiasm doesn’t flag at all.

Jensen leans against the edge of the open sliding door, arms and ankles crossed, and stares at Jared’s back, at the easy way he throws the ball. Jared has no idea how much the dogs scramble to get the ball sometimes, since he can’t tell where to aim, but he doesn’t need to know that. It’s enough that he’s having fun, for the first time in what feels like forever. It’s enough to relax Jensen and make him smile. It’s incredibly stupid, but he wants to freeze time, preserve this moment, because he’s sure something will eventually happen to fuck up this rare peace again.

He’s not surprised when Jared practically falls asleep in his spaghetti later, and it takes little coaxing for him to agree to go upstairs to bed. Harley and Sadie follow him up, lagging behind as if they know not to get in his way. Harley takes up his usual guard dog position outside Jared’s door, curling into a ball and immediately going to sleep.

“D’ya need my help?” Jensen asks, scratching Sadie’s ears when she butts against his leg.

“No. I’d kinda like to do this on my own tonight, Jen. Okay?”

“I don’t know,” he hesitates, avoiding Jared’s pleading eyes.

“Please? I’ll be okay. I know how to undress, Jen.”

“All right. Yell if you need me.”

“I will.” He smiles, dimples showing, and shuts the door once Sadie slips inside.

Jensen buries his uneasy feeling and goes to his own room after cleaning up the kitchen, but leaves his door open in case Jared needs him. 

@@@

Jensen tosses his jeans and t-shirt towards the closet and shoves the covers back to get into bed, yawning. When he hears the crash and loud barking from across the hall, he jumps up, completely forgetting how tired he was just two minutes ago. He bangs open Jared’s door. It hits the wall and swings back at him, but he slaps it away and dives for the other side of the bed. Jared’s on the floor between the bed and the end table in a tangle of arms and legs with Sadie, who’s alternating between barking and licking Jared’s ear. The end table is a mess, everything askew. The lamp lays on its side, thankfully not broken, while the alarm clock hangs over the side of the table, slowly rocking back and forth on its cord.

“Jared, what the hell? Are you okay?” Jensen hurries over to him, trying to get Sadie out of the way. He gives Jared a quick once over, but he seems all right.

“M’fine, Jensen,” he insists, pushing Sadie off him with a giggle.

A fucking giggle. He nearly gives Jensen a heart attack and he laughs. “I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone with Sadie. Dammit, Jared, why are you always so fucking stubborn?” He looks him over more thoroughly, now that his heart has calmed down some. Nothing seems broken, but he has a small knot at the back of his head where he undoubtedly hit it on the table.

Sitting up straighter, Jared bats his hands away and frowns. “I have to learn to do things on my own, Jensen. You won’t always be here to undress me.” 

Maybe I wanna be. For a second, Jensen’s afraid he said that out loud, because Jared gets a strange look on his face, but then he shrugs his shoulders, that mulish set to his mouth returning. Jensen sighs and leans against the bed, tucking his legs under him. “Jared, I know this sucks, okay? And I know you want to be independent, but you can’t be, not yet. You asked me to stay with you so I can help you. So let me help you.”

“I’m not five anymore, Jen. I shouldn’t need someone to tuck me into bed.” Jared crosses his arms and pouts, making him look like the five-year-old he claims not to be.

“Jay, it’s not that you’re incapable of taking care of yourself.” Jared snorts, and Jensen knocks his knee against Jared’s. “You just need some…guidance, just till you figure things out.”

“This sucks,” Jared mutters and kinda falls forward so his head lands against Jensen’s neck, breath fanning hot over his skin.

“Jared.”

Jared scoots closer, turning his head slightly, enough to brush his lips over Jensen’s neck. The touch is light, barely there, but Jensen still flushes hot, hand automatically coming up to cup Jared’s cheek. Jared lets out this odd huffing whimper and kisses up his neck to the underside of his jaw. Jensen tilts his head, angles his body so he faces Jared more, but his stupid brain won’t shut up and just go with it.

“Jay, hang on. I don’t think-”

“Jen, please,” he interrupts. “I need, I just need,” he finishes in this amazingly small voice.

Jensen threads his hand into Jared’s hair and pulls him back down, fitting their mouths together into a scorching kiss. He feels like someone set him on fire, but it’s just Jared’s tongue tangling with his, just the hot brand of Jared’s fingers on his arms. Jensen somehow maneuvers them up onto their knees, then all the way to standing, without breaking the kiss. Jared pulls away first, breathing hard, his lips spit-shiny and swollen.

“Jen?”

“Come on” is all he says, though, tugging on Jared’s belt. Jared goes willingly, falling back on his bed when Jensen gently pushes him down. Lying beside him, Jensen bends over and kisses him, softer this time but with no less heat. Jared growls impatiently, and Jensen smiles.

“Jen, please.”

“All right. Lift your arms.” 

Jared does as requested, and Jensen takes off his t-shirt, then kisses him again, slow, drugging kisses that leave them both panting. Jensen runs his hand down Jared’s chest to his belt, making short work of the buckle and zipper on his pants. Jared whimpers, bucking his hips and sucking on Jensen’s lip. Jensen rolls to the side a bit and looks down at Jared. He’s shirtless, pants undone and sliding down his hips, revealing his black boxer briefs. Jensen smiles at the gorgeous picture Jared presents and kisses down his chest, enjoying the slightly sweaty taste of the smooth golden skin beneath his lips. He skims along Jared’s ribs, stabs his tongue in the ridges, and smiles at Jared’s ragged breathing and moans. He works his way down, slowly, drags Jared’s jeans off but leaves the boxer briefs for now. He mouths Jared through the fabric, feels his dick get even harder. Jared growls something incoherent. He always gets less and less articulate the more turned on he is. It’s how Jensen knows whether or not to keep teasing or to just get on with things. So he hooks his thumbs under the waistband of Jared’s boxer briefs and pulls them down, follows with his mouth, sucking bruises into the soft skin on the inside of his thighs.

“Fuck, Jen,” Jared groans, bucking his hips. “Imma- fuck!”

Jared reaches down to put his hand on Jensen’s head. He always does it, holds Jensen’s head and fucks into his mouth, but this time, he…misses. His fingers barely graze Jensen’s ear before smacking onto his own thigh. Jensen freezes for a moment, burying his nose in Jared’s hipbone to cover for the ridiculous tears burning in his eyes. Somehow, there are times he forgets Jared’s fucking blind. Jared gets around the house so well now, mostly, and his eyes are still bright and clear, and for 10 or 15 minutes, he thinks Jared is the same Jared from before the accident. But he’s not. He’s not, and Jensen fucking hates that Jared can’t see, can’t see how his touch affects Jensen. 

It kills him, but he can’t let Jared know that, so he licks across Jared’s hipbone, traces the groove with his tongue, follows the line down to his dick. Jared trips his hand up Jensen’s neck and into his hair, grasping tightly. Jensen slides his mouth over the head of his dick, tonguing the slit and sucking hard. He frames Jared’s hips, thumbs brushing along the smoothness there. Jared makes an odd gurgling noise and thrusts into his mouth. Jensen lets him control it, takes in as much of Jared’s dick as he can.

“Jen. Jen, Imma, Imma- God, Jen,” Jared babbles, tightening his hand in Jensen’s hair, and comes, hot spurts coating Jensen’s throat.

Jensen swallows what he can and sits back on his heels, wiping his mouth with a thumb before cleaning it off on the sheet. He runs his hand up Jared’s side, splays his fingers over Jared’s heart. It’s beating fast, a rapid thumping he can feel against his fingertips.

“Jen, up. C’mere.”

Jensen freezes again, hesitating. Jared’s meaning is clear, and they don’t do that. They don’t cuddle. It’s just sex. It’s just a good fuck every once in awhile, and he…can’t deny Jared anything. He never could. Settling beside Jared, he rests his head on Jared’s chest and lays an arm around his waist. This feels, this feels better than he really wants to analyze right now, especially with Jared fumbling inside Jensen’s boxers and wrapping a large hand around his dick.

“Shit!” Jensen growls, closing his eyes.

Jared tips his head up and kisses him, unerringly finding his lips. Jensen slips his tongue in Jared’s mouth, licks the back of his teeth, tastes the coffee he had with dinner. Jared fists his dick, strokes slow and firm, and Jensen doesn’t last long at all. Jared kisses him through his orgasm, and Jensen forgets, for just a minute, that anything has changed.

@@@

Jared falls asleep about two minutes after he gets Jensen off, if that long. Jensen’s gone when he wakes up in the morning. He doesn’t know why he expected it to be different, why he expected to find Jensen in his arms still, but he knows he wanted it in a way he never considered till that moment. He shakes it off, though, and heads downstairs after throwing on some sweats and a t-shirt. Jensen’s in the kitchen, cooking by the sounds and smells of it, and talking intently to Sadie about why they can’t wake “Daddy” up yet. Sadie answers with a low whine, and Jared hovers in the doorway, grinning, until Sadie notices him. Her tail beats a steady tattoo against his leg while he pets her and she licks his nose.

“Mornin’, Jen.”

“Mornin’.”

There’s no awkwardness between them, no oh, shit you sucked me off last night, hasn’t been since they started this thing years ago, and Jared’s never wondered why before now. Sex is a big deal, should be a big deal, especially when it’s your best friend, but it’s not with them. It’s just a part of their relationship.

“Smells like pancakes,” Jared says, crossing to the counter by the stove and leaning back against it. He wonders if this is some sort of post-orgasm celebratory breakfast. Neither of them ever stuck around afterwards before, and he’s never asked Jensen about the women in his life.

“Close. It’s waffles. Wanna sit down? I think they’re almost ready.”

“Why the Julia Child routine, Jen?”

“I dunno. Just felt like it.” He bumps their shoulders together. “Come on, sit. They’re done.”

Jared really kinda wants to kiss Jensen right then, so he does. It’s quick and off-center, but it’s still hot, and Jensen moans softly into his mouth. Jensen’s lips linger on his as he pulls away.

Nothing else happens again for a few days, but Jared thinks about it. A lot. Maybe more than he should. And it’s not just about Jensen’s incredible blowjobs, but about how Jensen snuggled up next to him that night and how much he liked it. He wants Jensen, yeah, feels like he hasn’t ever not wanted Jensen, but this is something different, something a little scary. So he thinks about it constantly for those few days, wanting Jensen and that nameless something more, till Jared can’t stand it anymore and molests Jensen while he makes them lunch (and where did this Jensen cooking kink come from?). Jared sneaks up behind him by the sink. Placing one hand on his hip and splaying the other over his stomach, Jared gently bites the tendon on the side of Jensen’s neck.

“Jesus Christ, Jared!” he exclaims, startling. “You scared the fuck out of me! What are- oh, God. Fuck!”

One of the first things Jared learned about touching Jensen is that he fucking melts when Jared sucks on his earlobe- moaning, extremely filthy dirty talking, begging. It’s been a really long time since he’s had Jensen at his mercy like this, and he likes it, loves making Jensen fall apart. Jared slides the hand down Jensen’s stomach to his jeans, working them open fast and dipping into his boxers. Jensen bucks into his hand, whimpering, and tilts his neck to the side. Jared takes advantage, licking and nipping at whatever skin he can reach. He strokes Jensen hard, fist just tight enough to give him the friction he wants, thumb grazing over the head every few strokes.

Jensen comes with a shudder, growling Jared’s name in a voice gone rough and raspy. The next thing Jared knows, Jensen slams him back against the fridge, shoving his tongue down Jared’s throat and a hand down his pants. Jared arches up on his toes, keening, not caring at all about the handle digging into his back. He feels Jensen smile against his mouth, a wicked curve of his lips that Jared’s missed. Jensen jacks him hard and rough, but slow, and if Jensen weren’t currently sucking on his tongue, he’d beg him to hurry the fuck up. Digging his fingers into Jensen’s hips, Jared thrusts into his hand and comes, hot and messy. Jensen strokes him through it while he pants into Jensen’s neck and shakes.

“Holy fuck,” he groans.

Laughing softly, Jensen kisses the underside of his jaw, careful, as always, not to leave a mark. Jared’s not sure how long they stay like that, but Jensen nudges him eventually and backs up.

“Jodi will be here soon,” Jensen reminds him.

They have just enough time to clean up and change, then bolt down some food before Jodi arrives. And they carry on as if nothing happened, just like always. Jared can’t help thinking, though, that he doesn’t want just like always anymore. 

@@@

When he hears the knock on the door, Jared’s sitting at the kitchen island eating the sandwich Jensen made him before he left. He sets down his sandwich and carefully makes his way to the door. Jensen has a key, so it can’t be him, and he has no idea who else would be here.

“Who is it?” he calls, stopping with his hand on the doorknob.

“It’s me, motherfucker! Open the fucking door, Padalecki!” Chad shouts back.

Jared grins and can’t resist the urge to wind Chad up. “I don’t know anyone named motherfucker! Go away!”

“Open the door, asshole! Come on!”

Throwing open the door, Jared reaches out till he connects with Chad, then hauls him in for a giant bear hug and ruffles his hair. “What are you doing here, man?”

“Jesus, get off! And leave the hair alone!” Chad pushes away from him, but gently, so Jared knows he’s doing his usual fake grumpiness and needlessly adjusting his hair. “I know how much you missed my fine ass. I’m on hiatus now, so I thought I’d grace you with my presence for a few days.”

“I always miss you, Chad,” he says mock-seriously, hands folded over his heart.

“Shut up, asshole. And stop grinning at me like an idiot.” He slaps Jared on the chest. “Come on, let’s get drunk and go streaking!”

Jared shakes his head in amazement. Chad always switches topics at the speed of light. “Can’t.”

“Since when are you afraid to get naked, Padalecki?”

“Not that,” Jared answers with a grin. “Can’t drink, not with the meds I’m on.”

“Shit, that sucks. Maybe next time, huh?”

“Definitely.” Jared walks back toward the kitchen. “You want anything?”

“Sure.”

He waves at the kitchen in general. “Help yourself.” Sliding onto the bar stool, Jared picks his sandwich back up. No one’s keeping him from real food, not after he spent weeks eating the crap they call food in the hospital. He’s getting a little soft from all the good food, though. Maybe he needs to convince Jensen to start working out with him in the mornings.

“Already am, dude. So, where’s Jensen? I figured he’d be glued to your hip or something.”

Jared snorts, because that’s forever a joke with Chad. He’d probably freak out if he knew the truth. “He’s picking some stuff up at home. He should be back soon.” Jared had been surprised when Jensen left him alone. Of course, he didn’t go without making Jared promise not to try juggling knives or something. It felt weird on his own, after being surrounded by people for so long. He’s kinda glad Chad showed up out of nowhere.

Is it weird that he misses Jensen, when he hasn’t even been gone an hour yet?

“Hmph.”

Chad talks with his mouth full as he tells Jared stories from his set, more like tall tales with the way he boasts and exaggerates. When Jensen gets back a little while later, he finds them on the couch, giggling like morons about a ridiculous prank Chad pulled while they were filming House of Wax. Jared sits up from his sprawl over the couch and wipes the tears out of his eyes when Jensen comes into the living room.

“Hey, Chad. When’d you get in?” Jensen asks.

“About an hour ago. How’s it going, Ackles?”

“Not too bad. You?”

Jared sighs silently. If Jensen and Chad were cats, they’d be circling each other right now with their backs arched and tails puffed up. Sure, they get along, but Jared thinks it’s more for his sake than because they like each other. He’s grateful for that, though, that they make the effort for him. Chad’s one of his best friends, after all, and Jensen’s his…Jensen.

“Could be better. This asshole won’t go streaking with me.”

“Oh, Jay, Chad’s a guest. You’re being a terrible host,” Jensen says, laughter caught in the edges of his words.

“And a pussy,” Chad adds.

“Shut up, Chad,” Jared mutters.

Chad tries to put him in a headlock, but Jared’s still faster and stronger, and he gets Chad down till they’re both breathless from laughter again. He imagines Jensen’s rolling his eyes at them. Chad seems to bring out the idiot in him, whether alcohol’s involved or not. He knows that and he expects it, but he’s still sometimes surprised by the absurdity Chad draws him into. Jensen threatens to separate them like two little kids, but he says it in his smirking voice, and Jared snags Jensen’s arm, sending up a little thank you that he’s standing so close, and wrestles him onto the floor till he giggles helplessly and calls uncle. Jared crawls back onto the couch, a flush heating his cheeks, and it feels really, really good to be so- well, carefree seems like the wrong word, but it’s the closest he can come to the sensation curling in his gut.

@@@

They order a couple pizzas for supper and stay up late talking. Well, Jared and Chad spend most of the time laughing their heads off about one thing or another, a lot of which goes right over Jensen’s head, since they seem to talk in some sort of secret language. Jensen sits back and listens, tries to be happy Jared’s having a good time and smiling for a change, when what he really wants to do is pout because he hasn’t been able to improve Jared’s mood like Chad can. Oh, no, with him, Jared mopes or cries on his shoulder. And, yeah, he’s grateful Jared lets go like that with him, but he used to make Jared laugh, too.

Jared yawns big enough to crack his jaw and rolls off the couch to stand, stretching his arms over his head. Jensen ignores the strip of smooth skin by his hipbone he reveals.  
“I’m beat, guys. Think I’ll head up to bed,” Jared announces around another yawn.

“Need my help?” Jensen asks as Jared passes his chair.

“Nah, I’ll be okay.”

“Yell if you need me.”

Jared squeezes Jensen’s arm, then heads upstairs. Jensen knows Jared can make it on his own, has been doing it for days now, but he can’t stop worrying and maybe wants to get away from the strange look Chad is giving him.

“Are you always like that with him?” Chad asks in a hushed murmur, probably so Jared won’t hear them.

“Like what?” Jensen answers, resisting the urge to fidget under Chad’s unrelenting scrutiny.

“In case you’ve forgotten, Ackles, he’s an adult.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

Chad shrugs, leaning forward on the couch. “The way you treat him…”

“You don’t know shit, Chad.” Jensen flings himself out of the chair, jerkily collecting the empty pizza boxes, and stalks into the kitchen. He clutches the edge of the counter for a minute, and when he turns around, he discovers Chad’s followed him. “What?” he exclaims, but what he really wants is to punch Chad in his stupidly smug face.

“I’ve been watching you guys all day. I just know what I see, Jensen.”

Shouldering past him, Jensen stomps back into the living room. He clenches his fists at his side to keep from hitting Chad and rounds on him. “You have no idea, Chad. You haven’t been here. You weren’t in that car with him when he was unconscious and bleeding. You didn’t sit in the hospital and see him hooked up to all those machines and wonder if he was gonna die. You didn’t see his face when he woke up and realized he was fucking blind! You didn’t watch him as he relearned how to do everything! You haven’t fucking been here. I have!”

He doesn’t realize he’s shouting or steadily getting closer to Chad until Chad slaps a hand on his chest and pushes him away. “Back off, Ackles,” he snarls. “Back. Off.”

Jensen stands there for a few moments, breathing hard and wanting to throttle something, then it all just drains out of him. He falls onto the couch and rests his head in his shaking hands. He hasn’t really cried since the night of the accident, when everything overwhelmed him, but he feels tears burn the backs of his eyes now. He’s tried so hard to hold it together for Jared, to be the strength he needs, and it figures it’d be fucking Chad that gets him to finally break down.

“Look, Jensen.” Chad sighs and sits by him on the couch. “I understand this hasn’t been easy for anyone. I would’ve been here if I could, you fucking know that.”

Jensen nods, using the edge of his sleeve to wipe at his eyes. “Yeah,” he says quietly.

“But you have to remember that he is an adult, not a little kid. He needs people to see Jared, not blind Jared. Probably you more than anyone else. You get that, right?”

“Yeah. And I’m trying, but it’s hard sometimes.”

“You were in a car accident that could’ve killed you both. Of course, you’re having trouble dealing. Just remember what I said, okay?”

“Okay,” Jensen promises.

“Good. Now go get me a beer, bitch.”

That startles a laugh out of him, and he smacks the back of Chad’s head as he goes into the kitchen for a couple beers. Drinking seems like a damn good idea right now.

@@@

A few days later, they go out to dinner for Chad’s last night in Vancouver, which is a fucking miracle. Jared hasn’t wanted to leave the house much or be around too many people at once. He’s skittish at first, startling at the noise level and whenever someone brushes past him, but he relaxes after awhile. It’s a small restaurant, tucked out of the way in an old house. Not many people know about it, and the owners are very careful about giving their patrons privacy. It’s a good place for Jared’s first time out in public.

When they first walk in the door, a young couple grazes against Jared’s arm as they leave. Jared jumps, shifting closer and clutching Jensen’s sleeve, and Jensen wants to bundle him up and take him back home. He catches Chad out of the corner of his eye, though, and recalls their talk from the other night. He squeezes Jared’s hand briefly and takes a half step away. Jared has to learn to live in the real world again and not in the protective circle he’s been in since the accident, even if Jensen hates to see him upset or uncomfortable.

“It’s all right, Jared,” Jensen tells him softly while Chad gives his name to the host.

Exhaling slowly, Jared lets go of Jensen’s shirt. “I’m okay, I think,” he murmurs. “It’s just dinner, right?”

“Right. Nothing too scary, except maybe Chad’s table manners.”

“I heard that, Ackles,” Chad growls, giving him the finger and a scowl.

Jared snorts, grinning, and the tension in his shoulders visibly eases. Jensen ruffles Chad’s hair, laughing at his indignant huff. Batting him away, Chad scowls again and shrugs his shoulders. Jensen can tell he’s not really mad. A pissed off Chad is hard to miss and not something you want to be around. Jensen learned that the hard way.

If there’s one thing Jensen definitely knows about Jared, it’s that, no matter what, a good meal will always make him happy. He once jokingly said food’s the way to his heart, but it’s the truth. Jared has such a love and appreciation for everything in life, and Jensen missed that about him these past few weeks. He hates to admit Chad’s right, but he does treat Jared like a little kid that can’t do anything for himself. It’s so easy for him to fall into that, though. After watching Jared struggle with the simplest things, his protective instinct takes over, and he just wants to make it all okay for him. He decides to stop doing that, to let Jared free to make his own mistakes and figure out how to fix them.

His first test comes when they sit at their table, and he automatically moves the sharp steak knife by Jared’s plate. Chad shoots him a look, full of exasperation and reproach, and shakes his head. Jensen shrugs uncomfortably, but he doesn’t put the knife back. There’s only so far he’s willing to bend, and Jared slicing his hand open on a knife isn’t something he’ll let happen. Dinner passes without incident, except when Chad makes Jared laugh and he almost chokes on his Coke, and Jensen eventually calms down, too. If not for the sunglasses he wears, you’d never guess anything’s wrong with Jared. Really, Jensen’s proud of how far Jared’s come since he got home.

Jared drags them out for ice cream after dinner, ignoring Jensen and Chad’s protests of being too full.

“There’s always room for ice cream!” Jared claims, grabbing Jensen’s arm and literally towing him down the sidewalk.

“No, Jay, that’s Jello. Don’t you remember those old Cosby commercials?” Jensen answers. He tugs on Jared’s arm, trying to slow him down. 

Jared laughs and grins at him. “I want ice cream, Jen. Come on. Help me convince him, Chad.”

Turns out Jared’s puppy dog eyes work on Chad, too. He must’ve gotten away with murder as a kid. Jensen’ll have to ask Sharon sometime how she ever says no to him. 

With all his previous reluctance to leave the house, Jensen didn’t expect Jared to calm down so quickly. He chatters the whole time they eat their ice cream, a giant hot fudge sundae in front of him, and doesn’t falter at all when a kid trips and bumps into his chair. Jensen and Chad exchange an amused look, and Jensen hides a smile behind his spoon.

Later, Jared kisses Jensen while Chad’s in the shower. Stops him in the doorway to his room and kisses him, open-mouthed and hungry. Jared steps in closer, backing him into the doorframe, hands curling around Jensen’s hips, and licks into his mouth. Jensen’s breath catches on a small moan as his hands fall to Jared’s broad shoulders, and he ignores how well they fit, concentrates on the hot slide of Jared’s tongue against his instead. It’s dirty and wet and over too fucking fast. Jared pulls back, and Jensen licks his lips, his head spinning.

“What was that for?” he asks. His voice sounds rough, just from one kiss. It was a fucking incredible kiss, but Jared never used to affect him so easily.

Jared just smiles, though, before releasing him and walking down the hall to his own room. Letting his head thunk back against the doorframe, Jensen blows out a shaky breath, then smiles and heads to bed.

@@@

Jared becomes fascinated with one of his scars, a line of pockmarked skin cutting across the underside of his chin. He constantly rubs his finger over it. He wonders if Jensen has any scars. He knows Jensen was hurt in the accident, but no one ever told him how badly Jensen was hurt or what happened exactly. He knows the other car totaled his SUV and that the driver’s side took the brunt of the impact. Jensen complains of headaches sometimes and stiffness in his back, but he never explained what happened, beyond mentioning that they still haven’t caught the other driver. 

And he maybe starts obsessing about touching Jensen- randomly caressing the back of his neck or hugging him or jerking him off in the middle of the hallway- but there’s something else to it as well. He wants to touch him, to see with his fingers what he can’t see with his eyes.

One night, Jensen’s watching TV while Jared spreads out his Braille stuff and works on the assignment Jodi gave him earlier. He hears Jensen laugh and all of a sudden, the urge to trace the lines by his eyes flares in his gut. He doesn’t stop to think about what he’s doing, just stands up and walks into the living room. Sitting next to Jensen on the couch, Jared cups Jensen’s cheeks, thumb slowly grazing a line from the corner of his eyes to his jaw.

“Jared, what are you doing?” Jensen asks, shifting uncomfortably.

“Learning your face.” Jensen’s breath catches at that, and Jared knows he’s about to protest or say something funny to diffuse the obvious tension between them. “Let me, Jensen. Please?”

Jensen sighs quietly and tilts his head toward Jared. Jared moves closer to Jensen on the couch, angling toward him. He runs his hands through Jensen’s hair, breaking up the spiky clumps and working out the paste so it’s natural and soft, laying down flat. He brushes across Jensen’s forehead, feels the faint scars from the accident all along his hairline and a bigger one above his left eyebrow. His fingertips catch on Jensen’s stubble, glide over the smoothness of his high cheekbones, and Jared bends closer without even realizing it. He skims a finger up the bridge of his nose, over the freckles he remembers, traces the arch of each eyebrow with his thumbs. When Jensen closes his eyes, the slow sweep of his long eyelashes tickles Jared’s palms.

Jensen’s breathing grows heavier, more uneven, and Jared’s so close now he can feel the erratic beat of Jensen’s heart against his chest. Jared palms the side of his neck, sliding his hand up to cup his jaw and lightly run a thumb across the fullness of his lips. They’re soft and parted slightly, and Jared can’t stop touching them, never wants to stop touching Jensen. Leaning his forehead against Jensen’s, he slides his nose alongside Jensen’s, feels Jensen’s breath puff warm over his cheek.

“Jared, what are we doing?” Jensen asks, quietly, so Jared more feels the words on his skin than hears them.

“I don’t know,” Jared answers shakily. “But I wanna find out.”

Jensen nods and wraps a hand around the back of Jared’s neck, bringing him even closer, but he can’t hide his trembling, these fine tremors coursing through his body.

“Jen,” he murmurs, then moves the inch or so separating them to press a gentle, feather-light kiss to Jensen’s full lips.

Jensen whimpers, a low moan in the back of his throat, and kisses Jared harder, tongue lapping at the corners of his mouth and withdrawing, teasing, till Jared can’t stand it and thrusts his tongue inside Jensen’s mouth. It’s hot and wet, and Jensen makes these desperately needy noises and burrows impossibly closer, so he’s practically sitting in Jared’s lap. Jared’s kissed Jensen before, lots of times, but that was the intense and dirty kissing of fucking. This is so different, so far removed from those days that it’s like starting over, like kissing Jensen for the first time. It’s slower, softer, more meticulous, taking the time to explore and learn each other’s mouths, not just a quick stop on the way to getting in each other’s pants. He moans and deepens the kiss, wrapping his arms around Jensen’s waist to skim his fingertips under his shirt and trace his spine.

It may be an hour later or a lifetime, Jared’s not really sure, but the shrill ringing of the phone eventually breaks them apart. He sits there for a minute, panting, lips tingling, Jensen still on his lap.

“I should get that,” he says, but he’d rather not move, would prefer to suck Jensen’s bottom lip back into his mouth and give into the heat racing through his veins.

“Yeah.” Jensen shifts away from him and stands.

“Jen-”

Jensen puts a hand over his mouth and gently caresses his cheek. “We’ll talk about it later, Jay. Go ahead and get the phone.”

Nodding jerkily, Jared reaches for the handset on the end table as he hears Jensen walk toward the hallway and completely zones out on his mom, too busy reliving that kiss to pay attention. He’s not sure what it all means, but he knows what he hopes it means. And he knows Jensen felt it, too.

@@@

 

Jensen’s mostly asleep, caught in that murkiness between wakefulness and unconsciousness, when he feels Jared slip into the bed behind him. Jared wraps an arm around his waist and buries his nose at the back of Jensen’s neck. Jensen freezes, breathing quick and uneven.

“Jared?”

“Let me, Jen. Please?” Jared asks, his lips brushing Jensen’s neck and causing his hair to stand on end.

Which is exactly what he said earlier, when what should’ve been a simple touch shattered Jensen’s self-control. But Jared’s touch could never be impersonal, and he should’ve known that. He has no idea why it shook him so badly. The phone ringing saved him from having to figure it out. Until now. Jensen rolls onto his back, searching Jared’s face in the inky blackness of his room. There’s just enough light for Jensen to make out the small frown creasing his forehead. Jensen folds his hands on his chest, resisting the urge to smooth his frown away. “Jay.”

“Please, Jen? Let me stay.” Jared cups his jaw, stroking over his cheek, head lying close to Jensen’s on the pillow. “Please?”

“Yeah, okay. Okay,” he murmurs. He has the feeling he’s agreeing to more than just letting Jared sleep in his bed for one night. “Okay.”

Jared smiles, and Jensen gives in to his desire to touch, sinking his hand into Jared’s hair, fingers sliding through the silky curls. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to that, to the sight and feel of Jared’s now-short hair. It’s a reminder of what happened, of what’s changed. He looks good like that, but it sometimes still kicks Jensen in the gut to see it. Jensen smiles, bringing Jared’s head down for a light kiss. Jared turns it hungrier, and Jensen momentarily loses himself in the wet heat of Jared’s tongue tangling with his. Jared’s always been an amazing kisser, but this is new somehow, better. The emotional rollercoaster of the day soon catches up to him, though, and he can’t quite suppress his yawn. Humming quietly, Jared lays a line of soft kisses along the underside of his jaw, then settles down, falling asleep a minute later with his hand still curled over Jensen’s cheek. Jensen closes his eyes and ignores the tingling in his limbs and churning of his stomach from having Jared wrapped around him so closely. 

They’ve never done this before, actually slept together. It was always quick handjobs and blowjobs in their trailers, or one of them slipping out in the middle of the night to go home. He’s never wanted anything more than what they have. Someone else might say it’s fucked up, this friends-that-occasionally-fuck-each-other thing they have going, but it works for them. Or it used to. Lately, chinks have begun to appear in the wall he built up around himself, a wall he doesn’t realize is there till Jared knocks holes in the thing, with his constant casual hugs and quiet earnestness and too-sweet kisses. Jensen doesn’t know what to do, how to handle this, so he decides to shove it all away and worry later, when he’s more coherent and not in bed with a warm and snuggly Jared.

He wakes up the next morning so thoroughly tangled around Jared, he can’t move without kneeing him in the stomach or getting an elbow in the eye. It wasn’t exactly a restful night for him, too many thoughts and emotions swirling through him. And Jared’s a cuddler of epic proportions, not a surprise really, but it’s difficult to relax enough to sleep when Jared throws a leg over his or drools against his neck or twists a hand in the hem of his t-shirt, fingers brushing over his ribs.

Jensen sighs and extracts himself enough to carefully prop himself up on an elbow, staring down at Jared. He’s still completely out of it, mouth parted slightly and hand tucked under the pillow. He looks young and vulnerable, and Jensen’s protective instinct kicks in. Jared’s hair is a little sweat-damp at the temples, and Jensen combs it out of his eyes. Jared makes this soft mewling noise and shifts closer to Jensen. Jared is sleep-warm, his skin almost hot to the touch, and it soothes some of the disquiet Jensen feels. Kissing Jared briefly on the lips, Jensen lies back down and closes his eyes. There’s no reason he has to get up now. He can sleep for a couple more hours. 

It’s weird, waking up with Jared, but, really, not so bad.

@@@

“IthinkI’minlovewithyou,” Jensen blurts all in one breath from where he’s sprawled out on the couch, supposedly watching TV.

Once Jared unscrambles that, his jaw drops open, and he’s infinitely glad he’s sitting down or else he would’ve just slithered to floor because of his suddenly weak knees. Swaying, he grips the dining table, heart hammering fast against his chest. He tries to say something, but his mouth is dry and no words will come out. Jensen doesn’t seem to notice; he just barrels on.

“I think I’m in love with you,” he repeats with a lot more confidence. “I think I’ve always been in love with you, I just didn’t realize it. Too stupid or too determined not to realize it, I’m not sure which. And I know this wasn’t part of our plan, our friends-with-benefits-no-one-gets-attached agreement, but I feel it and there’s no way I can just be your friend anymore. I want more than that, a lot more. The other night convinced me of that. It feels right falling asleep with you, kissing you, and if you don’t feel the same, it’s okay. I had to say it, Jay, regardless. I’m in love with you.”

Jensen winds down eventually, and Jared jumps in before he can start rambling again. “Come here,” he demands softly. Blood rushes through his veins, making his skin feel tingly, hypersensitive to everything around him. He digs his nails into his palms to calm himself down, but it doesn’t really work. He needs Jensen close, needs to touch him, needs the reassurance this is really happening and not a dream.

“What?” He can hear the hitch in Jensen’s breathing from the dining room.

“Come. Here.” 

Jensen stumbles his way over slowly and stops just out of arms’ reach. Scooting forward on the chair, Jared gropes around until he hits Jensen’s leg, then grabs his wrist and tugs him down to kneel beside his chair. He doesn’t let go, and Jensen fidgets, shifting on his knees uncomfortably. But he stays.

“I love you, too,” Jared murmurs, a little surprised. He had no idea what he was going to say before he opened his mouth, but the words feel good on his tongue.

“What?” Jensen sounds hopeful, but so cautious.

“I love you.” 

“You do?”

“Yeah, Jen, I do,” he says, chuckling.

He cuts off abruptly, though, when Jensen grabs the back of his neck and yanks him down into a mind-blowing kiss. It’s consuming and incredible, full of searing heat and tongue. He grabs Jensen’s shoulders to keep from toppling off the chair and gives himself over completely to the kiss. When they’re both in danger of passing out from lack of air, Jensen pulls away and drops his head onto Jared’s chest, gasping. His whole body shakes, so Jared wraps his arms around him and hugs him close.

“I love you, Jen,” he whispers against his ear. His heart still beats rapidly, but this calmness has settled over him. Now that the words are out there, everything’s okay. “I probably have for a long time, I just never let myself feel it.”

“God,” Jensen swears, voice muffled in Jared’s t-shirt. “We’ve been so fucking stupid. Wasted so much time.”

“Maybe we just needed to be ready. We weren’t in the right place before.”

“I love you- Jesus, I can’t stop saying it now,” Jensen reveals with a little laugh, but sobers quickly. Tightening his grip on Jared’s hips, he presses a light kiss to his collarbone. “I could’ve lost you in that car accident, Jay, and we never would’ve-”

“Hey,” he interrupts, cupping Jensen’s cheeks. He notices then that Jensen’s crying, soft tears catching in his eyelashes, and so is he. Brushing Jensen’s tears away with his thumbs, he feathers kisses over his eyelids and cheeks. “You didn’t lose me, okay? I’m right here, Jen. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I love you, and you’re not getting rid of me now. Maybe not ever.”

“I love you so fucking much,” Jensen says roughly and kisses him again. Jared automatically opens to the light press of Jensen’s tongue, and Jensen moans into his mouth, his breath catching on a whimper. Jared pulls him closer with his hands and his knees, ignoring the awkward angle caused by Jensen kneeling in front of him, and kissing him till they’re both breathless and their lips are swollen and red.

@@@

The first time Jared blows him after that day, Jensen nearly cries like a little girl. Jared’s blown him lots of times, so it’s not the actual blowjob, incredible as Jared’s mouth around him is. Instead, it’s after, when Jared slithers up the bed and kisses him, deep and wet, not demanding reciprocation with an impatient roll of his hips. It’s when Jared curls around him, nuzzling his neck, and whispers I love you into his skin. It’s when he knows this is real, and his emotions overwhelm him, threatening to bubble over. Exhaling slowly, he blinks back tears and kisses Jared back.

Jensen closes his eyes and wraps a hand around Jared’s dick, not because he has to or Jared expects it, but because he wants to make Jared feel as good as he does. Jared mewls and fucks into his fist, turning his head slightly to suck a bruise under Jensen’s jaw.

“Fuck, Jen. Shit. Oh, shit,” Jared babbles, which Jensen correctly interprets as harder, faster, since Jared bucks his hips and whimpers incoherently when he tightens his hand.

“Come on, Jay, let go,” he coaxes, jacking Jared rough, nails scraping lightly, thumbing over the head on the downstroke. “Let go for me, Jay.”

Jared growls Jensen’s name and shudders hard through his orgasm. Jensen strokes him through the aftershocks, tilting his chin up to lick into his mouth. 

Once Jared comes down off his high and stops panting against Jensen’s shoulder, Jensen combs his fingers through the sweat damp curls at Jared’s temple and gently kisses his forehead. “Hey,” he says, nudging Jared in the ribs to keep him from falling asleep. “Stay awake for a minute, okay?”

“Mmm,” Jared breathes, rubbing his face against Jensen’s like a freaking cat and sliding a leg between Jensen’s.

“Hey, do you think you’re up for a little trip?”

“Now? Rather stay n’bed with you,” he replies sleepily.

“Not now, dork. Next month, after your parents visit.”

“Where we goin’?” 

“It’s a surprise.”

“Really?” Jared asks, perking up considerably. “I love surprises!”

Smiling, Jensen runs his fingertips along Jared’s spine. This is what he’d been hoping for since Chris sent him the email a couple weeks ago. They’ve both been cooped up in the house for too long, been cooped up in Vancouver for even longer than that. They need a break from everything. Jared’s enthusiasm further convinces him of that.

“Can I have a hint?” he needles, propping himself on his elbows and head butting Jensen in the chin, puppy eyes in full force.

“It’s something you’ll really love.”

“That could be anything. Come on, Jen, gimme a hint.” 

“It doesn’t involve candy.”

Huffing, Jared pouts and flops on top of him. “You’re not gonna tell me, are you? S’not fair, Jen.”

“Aw, poor baby. You’ll survive.”

“Hmph. By trip, you mean getting out of here, right? Leaving Vancouver?”

“Yeah, like a little vacation.” Jensen sinks his hands in Jared’s thick hair, untangling the perpetually messy curls, the silky strands soft against his palms. Jared leans into the touch, humming quietly. “I think it could be good for you, for us, to get away for awhile.”

“Yeah, it would be nice to get out of Vancouver for a few days. And go home? LA? Vegas? New York?” He frowns dramatically when Jensen fails to say anything to any of his suggestions. “Nothing? You’re really not gonna tell me anything?” 

“Nope,” Jensen answers, grinning and brushing his lips over Jared’s. “I promise, you’ll like it.”

“You’re mean,” he grumbles, and Jensen kisses him, sucking on his bottom lip before sliding his tongue alongside Jared’s. He needs to book their flights and call Chris and figure out what to pack and arrange for Anna to watch the dogs. But he’s not really thinking about that anymore, not with Jared tongue-fucking him deep and wet, not with his dick growing harder and curving toward his stomach, not with Jared rutting his own erection along the groove in his hip. Planning can wait till tomorrow. Right now, he’s consumed with everything Jared. 

@@@

Jared’s still not used to Jensen sticking around after they have sex, even though it’s been awhile now. He keeps expecting him to bolt out of bed and run home, to fall right back into their old pattern of fuck-then-leave. So maybe he holds on tighter, clings a little, wraps himself around Jensen. And grins like a fucking idiot when Jensen snuggles in close, even if he does practically fall asleep when Jared’s still calming down after another incredible orgasm. Jensen would never admit it, but he’s just as much of a cuddler as Jared is, and Jared hates to think he almost missed knowing that, almost missed having Jensen in his life like this.

“You’re thinking too hard,” Jensen teases, rolling onto his stomach and half on top of Jared. He pokes Jared in the side, right over his ticklish spot, and Jared squirms away. “What’s up, Jay?”

“Nothing. Just happy you’re here.” Still here and not running from me.

“Me, too.”

Jensen kisses him, then sighs softly and rubs his cheek against Jared’s chest. Brushing his hand over the top of Jensen’s spiky hair, Jared smiles and closes his eyes. Jensen’s quiet so long, Jared assumes he fell asleep. Not that he blames him really. They went at it pretty hard and heavy earlier, like they’ve been doing pretty regularly for the last several days. Jared feels kinda sleepy, too.

“It’s only ever been you,” Jensen says suddenly, propping his chin on Jared’s chest. “I never loved anyone else, not like I do you. I didn’t realize it, but everyone else was just a, uh, resting place till I opened my eyes to you.”

Jared pretends his heart didn’t just stop at Jensen’s confession and trips his fingertips all over Jensen’s face- across his eyebrows and cheeks, up the bridge of his nose and over the stubble under his jaw- to give himself time to gather his thoughts. “I saw something once,” he starts slowly, encouraged by Jensen’s hand resting on his hip. “A quote on Google. It’s kinda stuck with me ever since, though I never knew why. Now maybe I do. ‘Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.’”

Jensen makes this choked-off spluttering noise and briefly lays his head on Jared’s stomach. “Jay, did you just quote a cheesy line at me that you found on Google?” he asks, sounding far too amused.

“Uh, yeah?” Jared flushes and hides behind his hands when Jensen laughs at him. He feels like a giant girl right now. “Shut up,” he mutters, kicking Jensen’s shin and trying to buck him off. “I was being romantic and shit, and you’re laughing at me. Asshole.”

Jensen crawls the rest of the way up the bed and straddles Jared’s waist, gripping with his knees to keep Jared from pitching him over. Their dicks slide together, and Jared’s breath hitches on a groan. Jensen fists the sheets beside Jared’s head and rests more of his weight on him.

“You’re just a big romantic dork. S’why I love you, Jay,” Jensen murmurs, suddenly close and hovering right over Jared’s mouth, their lips brushing with each word.

Flushing for an entirely different reason, Jared tilts up the necessary inch to capture Jensen’s mouth in a kiss. It starts soft, but quickly heads into hungry and desperate, and Jensen grinds down against him. Growling, Jared grasps his hips hard, leaves fingerprints and nail marks along the smooth skin of his hipbones, and ruts up into Jensen.

“Fuck,” Jensen moans, biting Jared’s ear and combing his hands through his hair.

Jared just hangs on, rocking his hips up in time with Jensen’s thrusts down, and they both come a few minutes later, panting and sticky from cooling sweat and come. After awhile, Jensen slides to the side and curls around Jared, tucking his head next to Jared’s on the pillow, and uses the sheet to clean them off. Jared pulls him in closer and kisses his temple, hand resting gently on the small of his back.

“I do love you, Jay.”

“I know, Jen. I love you, too. Even if you are an asshole,” he adds.

Jensen laughs, kissing a random spot by his ear before settling down. They’re both asleep, tangled around each other, within the next heartbeat.

@@@

“Jared, wait! Don’t move!” Jensen yells.

Jared stops immediately, one foot still raised to step into the kitchen. It knocks him off balance, however, and he stumbles forward, then regrets it instantly as a shard of glass pierces the bottom of his foot. “Ow! Fuck! Shit!”

“Stop moving! I broke a glass, and it’s all over the floor.”

“Yeah. I noticed.” Jared grits his teeth and wills himself to quit hopping around.  
Motherfucker hurts.

“Sorry. I tried to warn you.”

 

“I know, Jen. It’s all right.”

“Let me just clean this up and- Jared! Holy shit, you’re bleeding all over the place!”

Jared hears the crunch of boots grinding against glass on the tiled floor, then Jensen’s beside him, laying a reassuring hand on his arm. “Jen, I’m fine. It’ll wait 10 minutes while you sweep this up.” Jensen huffs at him, but Jared convinces him to clean up before worrying about him.

“Here, sit at the island. I’ll go get bandages and stuff.”

Jensen guides him over to the island, then pounds upstairs to the bathroom. Jared tries not to hiss or burst into tears when Jensen pulls out the piece of glass and pours antiseptic over the cut. He’s a grown man, not a baby, but it really does hurt like a bitch. Jensen’s gentle, but he mutters to himself the whole time.

“Jen. Hey.” Jared cups his cheek and tilts his head up. “It’s just a little cut. I’ll be okay. Why are you freaking out so much?”

“Your parents will be here any minute, and I’ll have to tell them I maimed their son.”

“Maimed me? Jen, I just stepped on a piece of glass. I’ll heal up, no problem. Stop being so melodramatic.”

Jensen snorts at that and mumbles, “I’m not melodramatic. I’m nervous. S’why I broke the glass in the first place.”

“Nervous? Why?” Jared frowns, brows drawing together.

“Parents coming, remember? First time anyone’s really seen us since we, uh, you know.”

Jared laughs, can’t help it, despite Jensen’s irritated muttering. “Jensen, it’s just my parents, not the Spanish inquisition. And we already agreed to wait awhile before we tell them about us. There’s no reason to be nervous.”

Jensen heaves a deep sigh. “I know. But I feel like they’ll judge me, on how well I’ve been taking care of you and everything, and the first thing they’ll see is you with a giant bandage wrapped around your foot.”

Leaning forward, Jared kisses Jensen’s nose. “You’ve been awesome, Jen. I wouldn’t have made it these last few months since the accident without you. No, listen to me,” he insists when Jensen starts to protest. He slides his nose alongside Jensen’s and gently caresses his jaw. “You’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty here, Jen, without hesitation or too much complaining. My parents know that, because I constantly tell them how much you’ve helped me. They won’t condemn you for one tiny cut that doesn’t even hurt anymore.” It doesn’t, amazingly. Whatever antiseptic he used worked miracles.

Jensen sighs quietly. “Okay.” He presses their mouths together in a too-quick kiss and rests his forehead on Jared’s. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah, but I don’t mind hearing it again.” Jared smiles, then jumps at the sound of the doorbell. “They’re here!” he exclaims excitedly. He may talk to his mom everyday like he promised, but he’s been looking forward to their visit for a couple weeks now.

His mom bursts into tears the minute he opens the door after hobbling into the living room. For such a small woman, she has one hell of a tight embrace. Jared buries his face in her soft hair and hugs her back just as hard.

“You look good, JT, really good. So much better than when we left,” his mom tells him, holding his face in her tiny hands, and his dad echoes the sentiment.

“Fresh air and non-hospital food will do that.” Jared grins, hugging her again.

The next few days fly by. He goes out with his parents and Jensen a lot more than he ever does alone with Jensen- to dinner, to his favorite park with the dogs, random walks around the neighborhood. They stay in, too, talking and laughing. He even beats his dad and Jensen at poker, using the Braille cards Jodi bought him when he finished the book they’d been working on. 

His mom doesn’t hover like he expected her to. She hangs back and lets him go about his life as he’s grown accustomed to doing, which is the biggest compliment she could give him. Jensen relaxes and enjoys himself as well. The only hard part is keeping his hands off Jensen with his parents around, but he gets used to it. Mostly.

@@@

He goes out to breakfast with his mom while Jensen and his dad are still asleep. Not being morning people is about the only thing Jensen and his dad have in common. They place their orders, and Jared fiddles with the napkin beside his plate. He can feel her eyes on him, studying him too closely, but she talks about trivial things- Jeff and Megan, his new little cousin, the no-good husband of their neighbor back home. Jared just waits for her to get to whatever’s really on her mind, because he knows something is. Finally, she clears her throat and shifts. He hears the old wooden chair creak and holds his breath.

“Something-” She stops, clearing her throat again. “Something happened between you boys since we left, right? You’re not just friends anymore, are you?”

Whatever he expected, it wasn’t that. He’s too shocked to deny it. “Uh,” he stalls, then gives up. “Yeah. Um, you can tell?” They’ve been careful not do anything in front of his parents, not even kissing behind closed doors. He wonders what gave them away.

“From the way Jensen looks at you, it’s always been obvious he’s in love with you, Jared. And you get this…soft look on your face now. Your dad and I have both noticed it.”

Jared gapes at her, wants to ask why she never told them if she figured it out so easily when it took them more than three years to get to this place.

“I’m glad you finally worked out your feelings, honey.”

He recovers enough to say simply, “I love him, Mama. He makes me happy.”

She reaches across the table and squeezes his hand. “Good.”

The server arrives then, and they tuck into their food, Jared making short work of his omelet, pancakes, and bacon. He had no idea how nervous he’d been about telling their families till his mom took the burden out of his hands. They’ll never know the full story of his and Jensen’s complicated and often fucked-up relationship (It’s not exactly something to brag about.), but it feels so good to have her acceptance, though he didn’t expect anything less. She did the same thing in high school when he finally got the nerve to admit he might be bi. His dad did, too. He really loves his parents.

His mom’s not nosy, but she is curious, so Jared scrambles for a parent-safe version of how they got together, settling on a simple “We kissed, and it kinda changed everything.” It’s the truth, even if it leaves out three years of them fucking around and needing a car accident to force them to realize how they really feel about each other. That explanation satisfies her, and she moves onto other topics, mostly disgustingly cute stories about his niece.

When they get back home, Jensen’s awake and in the living room, music playing softly in the background. Jared sits next to him on the couch and gently kisses his temple. Jensen jumps away as he expected.

“Jared!” he hisses quietly.

“She knows, Jen. It’s all right,” Jared murmurs, carefully plucking Jensen’s industrial-sized coffee mug out of his hands and placing it on the end table. “It’s all right,” he repeats and kisses him.

“Really?” Jensen asks when Jared lets him up to breathe, and Jared nods.

Jared traces the curve of his smile with the heel of his thumb, then with his mouth, sighing happily when Jensen doesn’t hesitate and kisses him back, open-mouthed and fierce. He wonders if his mom watches them indulgently like she does with Jeff and his wife. He hopes so. He’s just glad he can openly kiss Jensen now and not worry about hiding anything. He’s not good at hiding his feelings. Neither is Jensen, apparently. Cupping Jensen’s cheeks, Jared lays a line of soft kisses across his jaw and down his neck and buries his nose in his collarbone. Jensen’s still wearing his ratty, old pajama pants and worn soft t-shirt, and he smells like coffee, his skin still sleep-warm. Closing his eyes, Jared rubs his cheek on his shoulder. Jensen wraps his arms around him, and Jared holds on tight. He doesn’t plan on ever letting go.

@@@

Jensen takes the ball Sadie drops in his lap and throws it hard toward the opposite corner of the yard. She shoots after it, wagging her tail happily. Harley stretches out nearby, legs jerking and snuffling softly as he chases something in his dream. Smiling, Jensen runs a hand from his head down his back. Sadie, ever the jealous girl, flings the ball at him and butts her nose against his chin. He pets her with his other hand until he hears a footfall from up on the deck.

“Your parents get off okay?” he asks as Jared settles next to him on the ground. He said his own goodbyes, then came out here to give Jared and his parents privacy. It was a good visit, but he can’t quite wrap his head around them accepting his relationship with Jared so easily. He’s happy they don’t have to keep it a secret anymore.

“Yep. Mama cried again, and Dad made me promise to come to Texas soon and to bring you.” Sadie switches her attention to Jared, and he hugs her, resting his cheek on her side.

“You okay?” Jared looks preoccupied, maybe a little melancholy.

“Yeah. I just miss my family, ya know? It’s been a long time since I went home.” 

“Me, too. We’ll go soon.” Jensen brushes Jared’s hair back, and Jared smiles at him.

They take turns throwing the ball for Sadie and for Harley, once he wakes up and demands to join in the fun. It’s a nice day out, and Jensen’s content to sit there in silence and play with the dogs for awhile. He’s almost nodding off when Jared shifts against him and clears his throat.

“I think I wanna be a teacher. Maybe go to school like a planned to do before I came to LA,” he mentions, tearing blades of grass up to pile in the hems of his jeans.

Jensen’s not sure how to respond to that. It’s the first time either of them have said anything about the future. They’ve both avoided it till now, ignoring the fact that Jared doesn’t really need Jensen there 24/7 anymore and that there isn’t a reason to stay in Vancouver since the show got officially cancelled not so long ago. It hurts that Jared’s giving up on his dream of acting, but he’s glad he seems ready to move on. A couple months ago, all Jared wanted to do was hide from the world, and, now, seeing how far he’s come since then is pretty damn awesome.

“I think you can do anything you want, Jay,” Jensen tells him eventually, not fighting the stupid grin on his face.

“Jodi’s been really great to me, not just with the Braille stuff, and I’d like to help other people, too, help them with the transition like Jodi’s done for me. I will never say I’m grateful for the accident, because I just can’t, but this is an opportunity to start over and explore new options. I can’t squander that, right? Making lemonade out of lemons and all that?”

“You’d be a really good teacher, Jared, and I mean it. You can do whatever you want.” 

Jared ducks his head, brushing the grass off his hands. “Thanks. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now, but listening to Mama talk about her students this week kinda cemented the decision for me. And it’s time I stopped, uh, wallowing and got on with my life. But, um-”

“I’ll be there, whatever you do, wherever you go. You know that,” Jensen interrupts when Jared hesitates.

Jared smiles, brilliantly white and dimpled. “I’d hoped you’d say that. I can go to school in LA or wherever. I don’t care, as long as you’re with me.”

Jensen threads his fingers through Jared’s hair and angles his head down for a kiss. Sighing, Jared opens his mouth wider. Jensen pulls away and cups Jared’s jaw. “What was it you told me? ‘I love you and you’re not getting rid of me’ or something like that? We’ll work out the details later, but we’ll definitely do it together, okay?”

“Okay.” He nods, grinning so big Jensen’s cheeks hurt just looking at him. “Later, though.”

Jensen lets out an unmanly squeak as Jared tackles him to the ground, kissing him hard and grinding their hips together. Feeling Jared’s rapidly hardening dick against his thigh gets Jensen just as hard, just as quickly, but he doesn’t forget they’re outside, even though Jared’s doing this sinfully hot swirling thing with his tongue.

“Jay,” he mumbles, since Jared won’t stop kissing him. “Jay, let’s go inside. Come on.”

“Huh-uh,” he replies, pressing his hips down and sliding a hand up Jensen’s shirt to tease at a nipple.

“Ungh. God, Jay, come on.” Closing his eyes, he concentrates on his words instead of on Jared’s mouth, hot and wet, on his neck. It takes considerable effort. “I know your backyard is mostly private and all, but I really don’t want pictures of us having sex in all the tabloids or on Youtube or something. I promise to fuck you once we get inside.” 

That finally gets Jared’s attention, and he scrambles up, Jensen following him. They barely reach the living room before Jared starts stripping him, fumbling with his belt and zipper. Jensen helps him, then works on Jared’s clothes. He fucks him right there on the floor, Jared whimpering and moaning into his mouth, and Jensen can’t imagine ever wanting to be anywhere else.

@@@

Jared freaks out when they get to the airport. He’s been there often enough to recognize the noises and smells of the place, but this time it’s too much. He wants to clutch Jensen to him and hide somewhere.

“Hey, you okay?” Jensen asks, rubbing a hand up and down his arm.

“Yeah. No. Can we go somewhere quieter?” Jared replies and takes a deep breath to keep from hyperventilating. He feels stupid for overreacting, but crowds still overwhelm him. He thought he’d gotten over it. Apparently not. This doesn’t bode well for him going to school. Baby steps. Airport first, college later.

“Of course. Come on.”

Jensen tugs on his arm and leads him down the hall a ways before pushing him through a door that thankfully cuts off most of the din from outside. Sighing in relief, he sags against the wall, then snorts when a toilet flushes. Of course Jensen would bring him to the bathroom for some privacy.

“Are you okay, Jay?”

“Yeah. It was just… I feel like everyone’s staring at me and it’s too loud and I can’t tell if someone’s gonna run me over with their suitcase or one of those motorized cart things and I’m being an idiot.”

“No, I’m the idiot. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

“No!” he says quickly. “I wanna go, wherever we’re going. I just need a minute.”

“You sure? We don’t have to go.”

“I want to.” He blows out a breath and attempts an I’m-fine-and-not-freaking-out-like-a-little-girl smile.

Jensen stays silent for a few beats, then steps closer and presses a quick kiss to Jared’s mouth. Jared startles at first, but he assumes no one’s around or Jensen never would’ve risked it. They’re no longer hiding their relationship from their family (Megan actually squealed in delight and yelled “It’s about damn time!” when he told her. He’s starting to think everyone knew before he and Jensen figured it out.), but they don’t want it to go public, at least not yet.

“I’m fine,” Jared says and repeats it without the waver in his voice. He kisses Jensen again, lingering a little longer this time, and steps back.

After that, he’s a lot calmer. He still grips Jensen’s arm tightly, but that’s more an excuse to touch him than anything else. It’s better on the plane, with the constant drone of the engine in his ears and no one cramming against him. Jensen offers him his usual window seat, and he suppresses a pang at that and shakes his head. What’s the point, when he can’t enjoy the view out the window anyway? Jensen falls asleep before they even hit the runway, tipped over sideways, nose buried in Jared’s collarbone and hand wrapped loosely around his wrist. He should maybe move him into a less questionable position, but he feels too damn good, so he lets it go. Jared wonders what Jensen has planned when the captain announces their destination, but he won’t say a damn word even after they disembark in LA.

“Still nothing?” Jared loves surprises, but he’s going nuts with the waiting. He leans in close to Jensen and murmurs into his ear, low and seductive, “I’ll blow you if you tell me.”

“Jesus,” he swears, raw lust coloring his voice. “Don’t say shit like that when we’re in public and I can’t touch you!” 

Jared smirks at Jensen’s growl. “Are we going back to your apartment now?”

Groaning, Jensen grabs his arm and hauls him outside into the LA sunshine, shoving him into a cab. Once they get to Jensen’s, the asshole still refuses to drop any hints, though. How he resists Jared’s hand down his pants, he’ll never know. Jensen’s usually very mellow and amenable after getting off, but not so much this time. He does return the favor by sliding to his knees on the floor and sucking Jared’s brain out through his dick.

“Holy fuck!” Jared shouts and totally forgets about wheedling information out of him.

They lie on the couch together afterwards, trading lazy kisses and whispered I love you’s. They can’t seem to go five minutes without touching each other anymore. Jared really can’t complain about that. The couch isn’t exactly comfortable- it’s too short and slightly lumpy and Jensen’s knee kinda digs into his hip in this position- but he wouldn’t move for anything. He feathers soft kisses all over Jensen’s face, licks under his jaw, and sucks on his ear. Then whimpers when Jensen pulls away to check his watch.

“We should get ready to leave,” Jensen announces, attempting to lift Jared off him.

“Don’t wanna,” Jared hums and noses under the collar of Jensen’s open shirt.

“Jared, half an hour ago, you were willing to trade sexual favors for just a hint of your surprise, and now you want to stay here?”

“Would rather fuck you,” he says and smiles at Jensen’s full-body shudder.

After a moment and a deep breath, Jensen pokes him. “Later. Come on, up.”

Jared grumbles, but he stands up. This had better be one fucking awesome surprise.

@@@

Jared feels the music a couple blocks before he hears it, vibrating up from the sidewalk and making the soles of his feet tingle. As they walk closer, the bass gets louder, a deep thrum that Jared feels through his whole body.

“You’re taking me to a club? Is Steve playing or something?” he asks, though it hardly sounds like the places Steve usually plays at.

“Yes. And no,” Jensen replies, grabbing Jared’s elbow to steer him around something. He doesn’t let go, rubbing his thumb softly under the edge of Jared’s sleeve.

“Not Steve, then who?”

“You’ll find out.”

Jared pouts and huffs, but it doesn’t help any. They reach the club then, and Jensen gives their names to the bouncer. Raising an eyebrow, Jared follows Jensen inside. The bass pounds even more, but it’s not as crowded as he expected. Jensen finds them a spot to the side of the stage, then leaves to go to the bar. Jared’s heart races a little as Jensen walks away, still a little apprehensive about being left alone in a place he doesn’t know, but after a couple deep breaths, he calms down.

“Thanks for this,” Jared says loudly into Jensen’s ear when he hands him his Coke. He hates to admit it, but he kinda lost the taste for beer and tequila after so long of not being allowed to drink it. Even now, having stopped taking his meds weeks ago, he prefers something nonalcoholic. It’s enough to make him cry sometimes.

“You don’t even know why we’re here!” Jensen laughs, squeezing Jared’s shoulder.

“I needed to get out of Canada, so thanks.”

Jensen just squeezes his shoulder again.

They don’t have long to wait for the show to start. A cheer rises when the band takes the stage, and they launch right into it with a flourish from the drummer. Jared recognizes the song instantly and turns to Jensen, startled and mouth hanging open.

“Velvet Rope, really?” he asks, recovering enough to at least close his mouth. Velvet Rope is his favorite LA-based band, but they only play for VIP, invitation-only groups, and he’d never managed to score that exclusive invite. He’d been dying to see them live since they started this unheard of private concert thing a few years ago. Jared ignores their ban on PDA’s and grabs Jensen for a tight hug. This kind of surprise deserves more than that, but it’ll have to wait till they’re alone. “Thanks, man. How the hell did you swing this?”

“I have my ways,” Jensen answers, nuzzling Jared’s neck briefly before pulling back a little.

“Chris?”

“I will not reveal my sources,” Jensen says solemnly, but Jared hears the unspoken laughter in his words and takes it for the obvious “of course!”

“Thanks,” he repeats and finally releases him, hoping he’s subtly conveying all the wicked ways he plans to repay Jensen once they’re home. No need to broadcast everything to the whole club.

The concert is awesome, of course. Jared loses himself in the music, forgets where he is and that anybody else is around. It feels like the band plays just for him, and he stands there with a big dopey grin on his face, head nodding to the beat, absorbing the pulsating bass in the soles of his feet. He barely pays attention when Jensen heads to the bar for another round, but downs the Coke Jensen presses into his hand. By the end (after four or five encores), his ears are ringing and his throat feels scraped raw from screaming, but Jared practically bounces out of the club. It’s been way too long since he felt this happy and normal. Too much has happened, has changed since the accident. It’s no one’s fault, but he feels so damn good right now. He feels ready to take on the world. 

“So, good surprise?” Jensen asks as they walk back to his apartment.

Jared bumps their shoulders together and grins. “The best, Jen. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Really, Jen, thanks.”

“You’re welcome, Jay.”

When they get back, Jensen suggests a shower, claiming he smells like LA and too many people, but Jared just thinks it’s his excuse to get him wet and naked. Not that he’s complaining. They don’t exactly get much cleaning done, though, since Jared pins Jensen to the tiled wall of the shower and kisses him. Slow, deep, tangling their tongues together. Slipping a thigh between Jensen’s, Jared frames his face and chases the water with his mouth as it trickles down his neck onto his chest. Once he licks him from top to bottom and Jensen can only shudder and whimper, Jared fucks him, hard, taking his time till they’re both shaking and spent.

After, they curl up on the bed in t-shirts and boxers. Jensen tucks his head under Jared’s chin and yawns. Jared kisses his temple tiredly, snuggling down further in the covers.

“Best surprise ever,” he murmurs before drifting off.

Jensen doesn’t say anything, just rests his hand over Jared’s heart and sighs contentedly.

@@@

At his agent’s insistence, Jensen goes on three auditions the day before they leave LA. Two supporting roles (an independent movie about some soccer player in the 70’s and a thriller staring Joshua Jackson) and a lead in a romantic comedy Jared claimed didn’t sound as monotonous and cheesy as most romantic comedies when Jensen read parts of the script to him. He’s been out of the acting frame of mind for a few months and stumbles over the opening lines at his first audition, but then everything sorta clicks. By the end of the day, he’s exhausted but flying high.

He’d dropped Jared off at UCLA earlier to talk to the admissions office. Truthfully, that’s a big part of the reason he went on his auditions, besides his agent harassing him since Supernatural got cancelled. Jared’s looking to the future, and he needs to do the same. Jared greets him with the biggest smile he’s seen in awhile and rambling a mile a minute about the campus and their education program and the awesome people in admissions. Jensen stops listening, just lets Jared’s deep voice wash over him. It’s so good to hear him that excited about something that LA traffic doesn’t even bother him as much as usual.

A week later, Jensen gets a callback for the romantic comedy and has to go to LA for a second audition. He freaks out about leaving Jared alone, even just for a couple days, even though he knows Jared can make it on his own now, but Jared takes it all calmly, practically pushing him out the door.

“You left me with enough meals for a month and I have all your phone numbers and I can call Jodi or Anna if I need them and I’ll be okay. Go. Nail this part, so you can get some money coming in to support me.”

“Jared-”

“I’ll be fine. I love you. Now go!”

Jared kisses him, then shuts the door in his face. Rolling his eyes, Jensen grins and climbs in the taxi. 

It all goes quickly after that. The producers and director love Jensen and offer him the role for the romantic comedy, which starts filming in LA in a month. Jared gets accepted to the education program at UCLA. Jared puts the house in Vancouver up for sale, and they start looking for a place outside LA. All the sudden changes are enough to make Jensen’s head spin. He’s not exactly sure how to handle everything. After months of their lives hanging in the balance or only inching forward, it’s a little overwhelming. It’s exciting, too, though, starting over with Jared, starting their lives together.

Jared alternates between bouncing anticipation and periods of near-depression, happy about moving on and upset about leaving Canada.

“This is where we met, Jen, where we fell in love and everything,” Jared tells him one afternoon, sitting in the living room amid a pile of mostly-packed boxes, pensive look on his face. “I hate to leave all that behind.”

Jensen pauses in organizing the DVDs. “We can always come back, Jay. It’s not the end.”

“I know. It’s just sad.”

“Hey.” Jensen crawls across the floor, maneuvering carefully around all the boxes and random piles of crap, and stops in front of Jared. “I’ll always love it here, because it’s where I met you, but it’s time for something new, right? And we can come back anytime.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” Jared smiles, dimples flashing. “LA will be awesome.”

“Totally.”

Jensen grins and kisses him, then gasps as Jared yanks on his collar and pulls him closer. Straddling Jared, he guides him back onto the floor and deepens their kiss. Jared moans against his mouth, already bunching Jensen’s shirt up and rocking his hips in an steady rhythm. He licks across Jared’s jaw to suck a bruise into his collarbone, sliding a hand between them and working Jared’s jeans open. 

They don’t get much more packing done that day, but Jensen’s hardly complaining.

Moving day comes before Jensen knows it. He watches the movers load the last few boxes into the truck and makes a last sweep around the house, checking for anything they might’ve forgotten. He grew to consider this place home since he moved in, and he’ll miss it. He didn’t expect the house the feel so empty. But then Jared bounds into the room, throwing his arms around Jensen’s shoulders and kissing him haphazardly on the side of the head, and it’s not empty anymore. It’s full to bursting.

Jared herds the dogs into Jensen’s truck, and they settle down, Harley with his head hanging out the window and Sadie with her head resting on her paws. Jensen slides in the driver’s side, while Jared mumbles a goodbye to the house.

“So, ready to go?” Jensen asks when Jared shuts the door behind himself.

“Yeah. Let’s go home, Jen,” he replies with a smile.

Jensen grins back. “Right. Home.”

He likes the sound of that.

@@@

Epilogue: three months later

Jensen glances up from his script when Jared slams in the door, dumping his book bag on the floor and grinning bigger than Jensen ever thought possible.

“Good day?” he asks.

Nodding, Jared plops onto the couch beside him. “Best day,” he answers, nuzzling Jensen’s neck.

“Okay. Something happen at school?”

“Nope.”

Jensen narrows his eyes. “You drunk or something?”

“Nope. Promise.” He sits back against the arm of the couch. “You’re beautiful.”

“Oh, shut up,” he mutters, flushing.

“Don’t scrunch your nose at me like that, Jen. You are- sexy and gorgeous and beautiful.”

“You-” Jensen’s breath catches in his throat when he finally notices that Jared isn’t looking past him like he normally does. His eyes focus directly on Jensen’s face. “Jared,” he breathes slowly, heart beating fast.

Jared’s smile grows impossibly wider.

“You can see me?” His voice cracks at the end, but he barely pays attention to it.

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I can see you, Jen,” he murmurs.

Something inside him lurches painfully as he launches at Jared with a wordless cry. Jared catches him, already opening for Jensen’s kiss. It’s messy, because he’s too fucking happy and overwhelmed to put much finesse in it, but it’s perfect.

“Oh, my God. I can’t believe-” Jensen swallows around the lump in his throat and gives up when Jared gently wipes his tears away. “You can really see me?”

“It started yesterday. I could see…shadows, I guess. I wasn’t sure, so I didn’t say anything. But today, it’s blurry on the sides and dark and comes and goes, but I can see you, Jen.”

Jensen leans up slightly and presses a soft kiss to each of Jared’s eyelids. Jared chokes on a sob, letting out a shuddering breath and tightening his arms around Jensen’s waist. 

“I love you,” Jared whispers into his neck.

“Not as much as I love you.”

Laughing, Jared sits up and pushes Jensen away. “We can argue about it later. Right now, right now I just want to look at you, okay?”

Jensen’s stomach turns over. “Sure, Jay. However long you want.”

“How does forever sound?” Jared asks, grinning.

Jensen laughs at the ridiculously sappy line and caresses Jared’s cheek. “Perfect.”


End file.
